Coaching and Conflict

When it comes to coaching, nearly every elephant in the room is birthed from conflict, but given that conflict is on a spectrum and something we both need and avoid--sometimes it is really confusing as to whether we should call the elephant out or chase it away.  

Perhaps the most familiar conflict is unhealthy conflict.  It is part of human relationships and we’ve all experienced it at one time or another in our personal lives.  Since conflict is nearly unavoidable, how you approach the conflict is key. I personally come from a conflict-avoidant household and this arena of coaching continues to make me uncomfortable, but over time I have come to realize that avoiding conflict will build a wall between a team and progress towards their goals.  

Elena Aguilar offers three suggestions for “Managing Conflict in Leadership Teams” (the unhealthy kind).

First she suggests we name the conflict.  Since conflict makes many people uncomfortable, it may seem easier to avoid and make attempts to move on, but by calling out the conflict, you can talk through the root cause and potentially eliminate it.  Perhaps, for example, the conflict resides in resources. I remember working with an ELA team that was experiencing conflict. Initially I thought it had to do with personalities. Eventually we were able to call out that some team members felt that the department chair wasn’t dispersing funds for classroom libraries in an equitable manner.  In reality, the two teachers that appeared to be receiving more books had individually applied for and won a small grant to supplement their library. They shared the application with other team members and the conflict quickly subsided.

The next strategy Aguilar offers is assessing the conflict and making a decision to address it in the moment or later.  This is especially important if you are working with teams and the conflict appears to be between two people. Is it possible to move the meeting forward and circle back to the two team members at a later date?  

Keeping norms at the center of every meeting can be a valuable corner stone in managing conflict.  Reminding a team members about a specific norm feels less threatening and personal than calling out an individual.  

While unhealthy conflict can act as a divisive wrench in a team’s plan, productive conflict can propel them towards achieving truly transformational work.  

The article, “Building a Culture that Nurtures Productive Conflict”  focuses on creating an environment for productive conflict to thrive.  By setting up a team with expectations and boundaries for conflict to live, and even be encouraged, teams will feel safe to learn and make mistakes.  

The article starts with a quote:  “If you have learned how to disagree without being disagreeable, then you have discovered the secret of getting along-whether it be in business, family relations, or life itself.”  

The three key ingredients mentioned are:

• a shared purpose
• norms
• protocols for when the norms are broken

Protocols are for when the norms are often overlooked, but then the norms may just become words on paper.  The team must commit to live them. It doesn’t need to be anything creative. It could be as simple as rapping on the table as a reminder or stating, “don’t forget norm seven.”

Besides being intentional about the environment, a team must also be sure that there is clear communication, positive attitude and valued contributions.  

Transparency goes hand-in-hand with communication.  Team members need to know what is really happening so they can make informed contributions to the conversation; not assumptions.

The author ends this article with the quote, ““Team leaders who step back to avoid conflict

are not living up to their obligation in allowing a diversity of thought and channeling it into productivity.”

Both of these resources provided helpful strategies in creating and maintaining an environment that thwarts unhealthy conflict in favor of productive.  While this is a great foundation, all teams will eventually face moments of unproductive conflict.

Sometimes the best way to circumvent unproductive conflict is to continually redirect negative conversations.  Negativity can act like a seed of conflict and when left unattended too long, it will likely rear its weedy head.  Let’s look at a few moves you can make as a coach when a conversation turns negative. These are adapted from an article by Kathleen Kelly Reardon in the Harvard Business Review.  She calls them the “R-List”

The first one takes a little practice, but I find myself using this one constantly; especially when working with teams.  

Rephrase-  When someone makes a negative statement, rephrase what they are saying in a less negative way.  

If someone states, “We can’t spend time looking at student writing when we have so many essays to grade.”  

A coach may respond, “I’m hearing that you see the importance of examining student writing as a PLC when there is time to do so.”  

If a principal says, “We wouldn’t have so many behavior problems if parents were more involved in their kids’ lives.”

You may rephrase, “I’m hearing that you may want to look at providing more family engagement opportunities.”

The next move, request is all about my secret weapon question.  In the role of a coach you should always assume positive intent.  That said, when a negative statement is made without much thought, staying fixed in that positive intent can prove difficult.  Coaches are still human! Whenever I feel a crack forming in my glass ceiling of positive intent I throw out one of the following two questions, “Would you clarify what you meant for me?”  or simply, “Tell me more.” Often just asking someone to pause and think about what they had just said (and how they said it) is enough to get them to rethink what they intended to say.

No matter how high-functioning a team is, they will likely eventually encounter something that will challenge their dynamics.  One challenge in education, is that teams are often very fluid, with team members moving grade-levels or schools. If allowed, change in membership of even one person can derail a historically successful team.  Team make-up is not the only challenge, however. Sometimes teams are charged with a new challenge that requires them to approach each other differently. Whatever the case, this may be an opportunity for a coach to revisit a past success.  When team membership shifts, the focus often becomes about people instead of the work.  Taking time to remember a past success shifts the focus and brings new members into the fold--they will hear about the great work accomplished in the past and want to experience some of that same success.  I had been working with a biology PLC for two years and they had developed into a model team for the entire school. They had a shared vision and leadership and held students at the center of every conversation.  They didn’t shy away from data and were willing to have difficult conversations. About a year later the PLC lead approached me and asked if I could sit in a few meetings. I was happy to reconnect with the team, but was in shock about the tone of the meeting.  The district had purchased a new curriculum and no one on the team approved of the selection. Essentially they were stalled out in their emotions. I asked if we could shift the agenda for the day and said, “This is not the first time this team has had to address non-negotiables they didn’t agree with.  Can we think back to some of those.” The group recalled a few and I jotted them down on the board. Then I asked them to isolate one which was particularly trying to wrestle with. We talked through how they were able to incorporate the ask in a meaningful, even favorable way. At that point the group felt better-equipped to turn back to the task at hand.  

Personal concerns can muck up the process so when summarizing a difficult conversation, you might steer clear of negativity by reorganizing the group’s priorities.  There is an easy phrase to use here to bring the focus back to the goal.  “Everyone seems to be in agreement with the WHAT, we are just struggling with the HOW.”  At this point, if possible, I prefer to table the discussion for a future meeting. I will ask each individual to make a list prior to the next meeting of individual hows and team hows.  Ideally, I will circle back to as many team members on an individually basis either face-to-face or virtually to speak through their individual hows so the next team conversation can be open and clear.

Alright, we’ve taken a look at four coaching moves you can use to refocus the attitude and hopefully avoid unproductive conflict.  Below you will find two scenarios for you to think through how you might initiate a shift in the team’s thinking.

Scenario 1:

You’ve been working with a leadership team at a district for several weeks. Their data shows large and persistent achievement gaps in reading and math between their English proficient students and their students who are English learners. They have been charged with coming up with a plan in order to address this.

As they begin a discussion, one of the leaders says, “Of course our English learners are behind. The only time most of them speak English is at school; and even then, we are really lenient in allowing them to speak in their home language with their peers. I understand we are trying to be culturally responsive, but I don’t see how the gaps are ever going to close if we don’t start requiring them to use their English more.”

What coaching move might you try and what phrase would you use to initiate a shift in attitude and hopefully avoid unproductive conflict? (Rephrase, request, revisit, reorganize?)

Scenario 2:

You are working with a leadership team at a district as they engage in root cause analysis. One of the critical problems they have identified is that they have disproportionality in office discipline referrals between their white students and their Black and African American students. Specifically, for students in grades Kindergarten-4^th grade, the Black and African American students in their district are 2.5 times more likely to receive an office discipline referral than the white students in their district.  

As the leadership team hypothesizes potential root causes for this disproportionality, one of the leaders states, “It makes me sad that it’s always the students of color who are misbehaving...”

What coaching move might you try and what phrase would you use to initiate a shift in attitude and hopefully avoid unproductive conflict? (Rephrase, request, revisit, reorganize?)

I wanted to leave you today with one last expert on conflict: Patrick Lencioni’s work and the conflict continuum.   Notice in the image that Lencioni illustrates that the optimal amount of conflict is directly on the border between productive and unproductive--this is why it is so difficult to coach around.  It is like trying to find a needle (or elephant) in a haystack.