Part II
In this three part blog I’m exploring how emotions show up in coaching. I’m attempting to do this using vulnerability and sharing my own journey as I redefine what emotional intelligence means. In the first blog, I explore the history of patriarchy. I am a firm believer that our way of being is shaped by the systems which have historically dominated our culture. In this second blog I will further explore how emotions show up for a coach and what to do with them.
In the past I have viewed emotions as a chink in a coaches armor, an Achilles heel if you will. There is no denying they will show up, humans are emotional beings, and coaches are human. The question is how you will react. If I visualize my past self, I would see a dog drenched in water who quickly shakes it off. Or to weave back to the metaphor I used in the last post, a duck whose feathers let the water roll right off. The more I read, and attempt to acknowledge my emotions I see myself more as a frog, with permeable skin. I let the emotions soak in, acknowledge them, and then intentionally decide what to do with them.
The lesson I’ve learned so far (and it is ongoing as I am still on this journey) is that the question isn’t so much about IF to acknowledge them, but rather WHEN. There are essentially three options of WHEN: In the moment when speaking with the client, at a future session, or individually through reflection/journaling. I’ll dig into each option below.
In the Moment
Of the three opportunities to leverage emotions, this one may be the most difficult. If the coaching conversation were akin to a tightrope, choosing to share your own emotions may be the balancing pole the client needs to get to the other side or it could make them topple. If you are new, like me, to coaching into emotions, I suggest starting with clients where a foundation of trust has already been established and follow two key guidelines.
Ask permission to share your emotion.
Explain why you think it is important to share.
If you feel that the emotion you are experiencing would not add to the coaching cycle, it is okay to refrain from doing so. Once you make that decision, however, it is critical that you remain attentive to the emotion; because it isn’t going away. Emotions don’t only show up in our words, they also show up in our facial expressions and body language. If you decide not to bring the emotion into the space, slow down the conversation and notice where the emotions are showing up for you physically (more on this in the third blog). You may even tell the client, “I’m taking a moment to think about where we might go next with the conversation.” Another powerful coaching question Elena Aguilar shared in her last newsletter to prompt reflection and provide yourself with space, “What do you hear yourself saying?” Once you have a moment, take an account of yourself. Do you feel your face tightening, or restless hands of legs? Take a breath and quiet these responses, for the time being, as they might direct the tone of the conversation as much as your word choice. Also, as you move forward, note the tone of your voice, has it shifted. If so, slow down and bring it back to center. There will be space to address these emotions after the coaching session.
In a Future Session
If during a coaching session, you are triggered by something someone has said, it is okay to return to it at a later date. Physiologically speaking we are wired for fight or flight and sometimes our physical response and emotions can jump into high gear before we even have a chance to acknowledge them. In situations like these, it may be helpful to tell yourself--I’m going to address this later, for now we move on as best as we are able.
Once I was coaching a building team and the topic of family involvement in student academics and behavior came up. The entire team began to slip into a deficit mindset swirl. One teacher stated, “Our school population has shifted and these parents don’t even care.” Another added, “I know, I had a parent ask me, ‘What do you want me to do about it.’ this week.” As a coach I felt my face muscles tightening and some anger in my stomach. I did my best to coach them towards an asset-based conversation, but mostly failed. Upon deep reflection afterwards, I realized that my emotions were getting in the way of my best coaching self. I decided to revisit the conversation in our next session. At the beginning of the session I stated, “Last time we met, there was a conversation about family engagement and I’m wondering if I might share some feelings that were coming up with me?” After some affirmation from the team I continued, “Some statements were made that made me feel both angry and sad. I’m hoping I can share them with you and we can dig into them a little more.” I proceeded to read back direct quotes from my coaching notebook. Although it was a difficult coaching session, the team did agree that their approach was not solution-orientated and that beliefs needed to shift. I had leveraged my own emotions to move forward.
Individually
Sometimes it may not be appropriate to honor your emotions in the moment. Perhaps interjecting your emotions into a conversation may shift the attention from the client and their work to you. Perhaps the emotion is new or strong and exposing it could be messy and muck up the coaching relationship. When in doubt, it may be best to hit pause, give a metaphoric nod to what is showing up and think, “I’ll address you later.” Following all coaching sessions, but especially those that give rise to emotions, journaling can be a powerful tool. Starting a coaching journal where you acknowledge what you were feeling emotionally, what the potential triggers were and how it made you physically feel can all contribute to the intentionality of how you will address them in the future.
This post has explored how coaches can and should recognize their own emotions when coaching. Hopefully you’ve reflected on some options to let emotions seep in and become a tool you look to rather than shake off. In the third, and final post of the series, I’ll explore how to acknowledge and leverage the emotions of others when coaching.
