Coaching Emotions: The Client

Part III

In parts I and II of this series we have explored the history of emotions and how emotions show up for us, as coaches.  In this third, and final post we will consider some strategic moves a coach can make when their client’s emotions enter the space. I shared in the previous posts that I had viewed my own emotions as something that got in the way, something to wrap up and put in a metaphorical attic to be dealt with (or forgotten) at a later date. My approach to emotions in clients was in a similar vein.  They made me uncomfortable.  I knew better than to outright dismiss them--so my go to method was to move directly to action. I focused on the external “thing” that was causing the emotions and crafted my questions towards fixing those “things”.

A blog on the International Coaching Federation by Lyssa Danehy deHart began to challenge my thinking, “Emotional intelligence allows us to be with other peoples’ emotions. If we pass over emotions, we may unwittingly communicate that “emotions are too messy,” or aren’t important, or that we are uncomfortable with what showed up in the space.” Perhaps it is in a coach’s nature to want to partner with their client to fix feelings with solutions, but in doing so you are perpetuating the band aid approach.  What else does that emotion contain and how can we uncover it?   Lean in to curiosity.  

A rule of thumb I always follow in coaching a client to dig into emotions is asking permission.  I do this by first offering my objective observation and followed by the ask.  In my experience it is a rare occasion that a client says they would prefer not to talk about emotions, but if trust isn’t well-established or the timing is off, it is possible.  Here are some examples of phrases I’ve used in the past:

“You said _______ which gives me the impression you are feeling angry.  Could we talk about that?”

“You are a little quiet today and I’m sensing something is going on.  Would it be okay if we talked about that first?”  

Before moving on to some other considerations, it is important to note that this blog is focused on emotions that clutter the potential of a coaching session, but it is also important to illuminate positive emotions and spend some time exploring them as well.  For example,“I notice that you seem really relaxed today.  Let’s talk about that so we can be intentional about capturing what you’ve been up to that is contributing to your way of being.”  

The curious thing I’ve noticed about emotions is the power in naming them.  Naming emotions as adults is oddly akin to doing the same with kids.  You may have some experience in this realm--you notice a child with clenched fists and a scrunched face and notice, “It looks like you are feeling frustrated,”  to which the child responds (with a sense of relief), “Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.”  I’ve noticed a similar process with adults, naming emotions can be a revelation, “Yes, I guess I am feeling sad.”  

Once a client is able to move past naming the emotion, they are better positioned to work through that emotion.  

“What do you think it would take for you to not feel upset?”  This is where you can begin to shift towards action, but moving to action before uncovering the underlying way of being will likely result in little more than an autopilot response. 

There is a lot to uncover in emotions, they have a history that can hold us back as coaches and as clients.  This blog series is an attempt to outline some of my personal revelations as I examined the role of emotions in my coaching. I invite you to do some exploration of your own and notice, with genuine curiosity, how they show up and what they are trying to say.  

Coaching and Emotions; Emotions of a Coach

 Part II

In this three part blog I’m exploring how emotions show up in coaching. I’m attempting to do this using vulnerability and sharing my own journey as I redefine what emotional intelligence means.  In the first blog, I explore the history of patriarchy. I am a firm believer that our way of being is shaped by the systems which have historically dominated our culture.  In this second blog I will further explore how emotions show up for a coach and what to do with them.  

In the past I have viewed emotions as a chink in a coaches armor, an Achilles heel if you will.  There is no denying they will show up, humans are emotional beings, and coaches are human.  The question is how you will react.  If I visualize my past self, I would see a dog drenched in water who quickly shakes it off.  Or to weave back to the metaphor I used in the last post, a duck whose feathers let the water roll right off.  The more I read, and attempt to acknowledge my emotions I see myself more as a frog, with permeable skin.  I let the emotions soak in, acknowledge them, and then intentionally decide what to do with them.  

The lesson I’ve learned so far (and it is ongoing as I am still on this journey) is that the question isn’t so much about IF to acknowledge them, but rather WHEN.  There are essentially three options of WHEN:  In the moment when speaking with the client, at a future session, or individually through reflection/journaling.  I’ll dig into each option below.

In the Moment

Of the three opportunities to leverage emotions, this one may be the most difficult.  If the coaching conversation were akin to a tightrope, choosing to share your own emotions may be the balancing pole the client needs to get to the other side or it could make them topple.  If you are new, like me, to coaching into emotions, I suggest starting with clients where a foundation of trust has already been established and follow two key guidelines.  

• Ask permission to share your emotion.

• Explain why you think it is important to share.

If you feel that the emotion you are experiencing would not add to the coaching cycle, it is okay to refrain from doing so. Once you make that decision, however, it is critical that you remain attentive to the emotion; because it isn’t going away. Emotions don’t only show up in our words, they also show up in our facial expressions and body language.  If you decide not to bring the emotion into the space, slow down the conversation and notice where the emotions are showing up for you physically (more on this in the third blog).  You may even tell the client, “I’m taking a moment to think about where we might go next with the conversation.” Another powerful coaching question Elena Aguilar shared in her last newsletter to prompt reflection and provide yourself with space, “What do you hear yourself saying?” Once you have a moment, take an account of yourself.  Do you feel your face tightening, or restless hands of legs? Take a breath and quiet these responses, for the time being, as they might direct the tone of the conversation as much as your word choice. Also, as you move forward, note the tone of your voice, has it shifted.  If so, slow down and bring it back to center. There will be space to address these emotions after the coaching session.  

In a Future Session

If during a coaching session, you are triggered by something someone has said, it is okay to return to it at a later date.  Physiologically speaking we are wired for fight or flight and sometimes our physical response and emotions can jump into high gear before we even have a chance to acknowledge them.  In situations like these, it may be helpful to tell yourself--I’m going to address this later, for now we move on as best as we are able. 

Once I was coaching a building team and the topic of family involvement in student academics and behavior came up.  The entire team began to slip into a deficit mindset swirl.  One teacher stated, “Our school population has shifted and these parents don’t even care.”  Another added, “I know, I had a parent ask me, ‘What do you want me to do about it.’ this week.” As a coach I felt my face muscles tightening and some anger in my stomach.  I did my best to coach them towards an asset-based conversation, but mostly failed.  Upon deep reflection afterwards, I realized that my emotions were getting in the way of my best coaching self.  I decided to revisit the conversation in our next session.  At the beginning of the session I stated, “Last time we met, there was a conversation about family engagement and I’m wondering if I might share some feelings that were coming up with me?”  After some affirmation from the team I continued, “Some statements were made that made me feel both angry and sad.  I’m hoping I can share them with you and we can dig into them a little more.”  I proceeded to read back direct quotes from my coaching notebook.  Although it was a difficult coaching session, the team did agree that their approach was not solution-orientated and that beliefs needed to shift.  I had leveraged my own emotions to move forward.  

Individually

Sometimes it may not be appropriate to honor your emotions in the moment.  Perhaps interjecting your emotions into a conversation may shift the attention from the client and their work to you.  Perhaps the emotion is new or strong and exposing it could be messy and muck up the coaching relationship.  When in doubt, it may be best to hit pause, give a metaphoric nod to what is showing up and think, “I’ll address you later.”  Following all coaching sessions, but especially those that give rise to emotions, journaling can be a powerful tool.  Starting a coaching journal where you acknowledge what you were feeling emotionally, what the potential triggers were and how it made you physically feel can all contribute to the intentionality of how you will address them in the future.  

This post has explored how coaches can and should recognize their own emotions when coaching.  Hopefully you’ve reflected on some options to let emotions seep in and become a tool you look to rather than shake off.  In the third, and final post of the series, I’ll explore how to acknowledge and leverage the emotions of others when coaching.

Coaching and Emotions; History of Patriarchy

Part I

 “Like water off a duck’s back” has been my coaching mantra for several years. I have often taken pride in what I considered strong emotional intelligence. My personal definition, however, I fear was skewed by a history of patriarchy and a “Midwest Nice” culture.  Previously, I would have defined strong emotional intelligence as the ability to leave my personal baggage at the door and deflect the emotions of those I was coaching as if shoeing away annoying insects. In essence I saw emotions as something controlled by a light switch, not of the dimming sort, but rather one that could be quickly switched to off.  

While I am still in a moment of personal reckoning, I would like to offer a new definition of emotional intelligence, one that does not turn from emotions, but rather creates a space for them to be acknowledged and either released or embraced.  

In Wisconsin’s definition of coaching, The Coaching Competency Practice Profile references emotional intelligence in two different spaces.  First, it calls on coaches themselves to develop emotional intelligence, “Coach regulates and monitors their own emotional state and makes strategic choices about when and how to share their own feelings and thoughts in order to maintain focus on the goals of the client and system” (component 7b). Additionally, a coach should support clients to, “leverage strong emotions to maximize productive outcomes” (component 3a).  

This three part blog will attempt to offer some further insight on how emotional intelligence shows up for a coach and how a coach can navigate and make space for the emotions of others.  Before I could begin to deconstruct my personal perception of what it means to have a strong emotional intelligence, I had to first understand and grapple with the historical foundation of patriarchy upon which it was built; the focus of the first blog.  

The history of patriarchy is one that began approximately ten thousand years ago.  It brings with it a deluge of societal structures that are still omnipresent in our country today.  Part of these structures includes a laundry list of how men and women “should act” and defines what roles are appropriate for men and women to take on.  It would be difficult to reflect on the history of patriarchy in its entirety in several tomes of writing, let alone a single blog.  For the purpose of this reflection I am exploring how patriarchy shows up in our expression of emotions.  

I will begin by exposing what Glickman refers to as the Man Box, “This “real man,” as defined by the Man Box, represents what is supposedly normative and acceptable within the tightly controlled performance of American male masculinity.”  These confines are detailed and play out in advertisements and media on a daily basis.  One key component of the Man Box is the fear to expose insecurities or fears which can translate into tampering emotions.

In Elena Aguilar's chapter on emotions in her new text, Coaching for Equity, she briefly explores the connection of the beliefs many of us hold about emotions as, “untrustworthy, childlike, and frivolous” connecting back to writings in Greek, Roman and Chritian texts.  

Another unique layer for my consideration of expression emotions is the context of my geographic location within the United States.  My own understanding of Midwest Nice is likened to a happy-faced, passive aggressive approach where individuals say (or don’t say) what they hope will lead to shallow pleasantries and then speak their truth under their breath or behind closed doors.  I was unable to find much research on the history of this, but in an article by Andrea Plaid Scandanavian settlers are credited with infusing the Law of Jante throughout the region; “Under the Law of Jante, everyone is on the same level and no one is distinct.  With a focus on the needs of the collective rather than the accomplishments of the individual, the Law of Jante keeps people in check.”  An essay by Paul Christman says that, “If it is to serve as the epitome of America for Americans. . . the place had better not be too distinctly anything.”  He further goes on to suggest that a pressure to be “normal” has repressed emotions.  

As I think about how my emotions show up as a coach and in those I coach, I found it important to begin with this history.  I am by no means an expert on the history of patriarchy, and hope that you do your own exploration and take time to reflect.  But why is history important to this discussion?  I need to be aware of the potential underpinnings of patriarchy and how it shows up for me so that I can begin to check any assumptions I may be making.  Without some knowledge of this history, I may take my beliefs for granted.  As Elena Aguilar notes, “What do we think and feel when someone from [another group] expresses emotions in a way that is outside of what we consider acceptable?”  It’s important to understand why we consider something acceptable in the first place.

As I continue to build upon my new definition of emotional intelligence, it is clear to me that I must be intentional in rejecting the pillars of patriarchy.  One way I can achieve this is by making space to normalize expressing and speaking to emotions.  

If you are interested in exploring coaching and emotions further, consider subscribing to this blog and be on the lookout for the next post in the series which will explore how we, as coaches, acknowledge and leverage our own emotions.  

Navigating Uncharted Waters by Heidi Laabs

Meet our guest blogger Hedi Laabs:  

 Heidi Laabs is a veteran educator, having served as a French teacher, middle school assistant principal, middle school principal, and assistant superintendent for curriculum and instruction in the School District of Waukesha for 34 years. Following her retirement from Waukesha in 2007, she worked at Cardinal Stritch University, served as a REACH mentor for schools in southern Wisconsin, and coached principals around the state. In 2011, she joined the Wisconsin RtI Center as Leadership and Coaching Coordinator.  

Every time we log into email or check social media, we are bombarded with

reminders that all of us in education are in the midst of uncharted waters, in an

ambiguous environment, experiencing things we never would have imagined

when 2020 began. “Am I the Only One Struggling with Online Instruction?” “A

Tale of Hybrid Teaching: It Was the Worst of Times. It Was the Worst of Times.”

“COVID-19 Teacher Toolkit: Resilience Through Self-Care.” “How Ready Are We

to Support Kids Through This Trauma?” “Pay attention to taking care of yourself.

If you’re drained, your students will know.” These are just a few of the email

subject lines and Facebook comments that have popped up for me over the

course of 24 hours. Teachers, students, support staff, administrators, parents and

yes, coaches, are all feeling stress, anxiety, ambiguity and uncertainty.

Just as teaching (and learning) look very different now from how they looked just

7 short months ago, so does coaching look very different. Some consistent

themes have emerged during our CESA Coaches Networking meetings and

conversations with RtI Center Leadership and Coaching participants. One of those

themes has been around the very nature of coaching conversations. While many

coaches still are able to schedule regular coaching conversations with teachers,

they also find that they are doing much more impromptu coaching, “on the fly,”

or in response to crises or breakdowns. Instructional coaching is increasingly

focused on helping teachers to navigate the use of technology for virtual learning,

rather than on curriculum and traditional instructional practices.

Just as teachers find themselves addressing the social and emotional learning

needs or their students more than ever before, coaches are supporting the social

and emotional needs of their clients. For both teachers and coaches, Maslow’s

Hierarchy often takes precedence over Bloom’s Taxonomy! Coaches play an

important role in helping teachers navigate the stress and anxiety of teaching

during COVID-19.

During our Coaches Network meetings, coaches from around the state have

offered tips and suggestions for effective coaching in our current environment.

Among those suggestions are

 Tap into emotional intelligence. Provide a safe place for educators to talk

about feelings, emotions and worries.

 Remember the importance of bebevolence in building trust with clients.

Benevolence doesn’t mean congeniality, it means having someone’s back

in tough times.

 Connect regularly with principals and other administrators to ensure that

all bases are being covered.

 Redefine and articulate the role of the coach in response to current

circumstances. If there isn’t a job description for coaches, now is the time

to get one!

 Consider how coaches can support Educator Effectiveness in light of

current circumstances.

 Collect feedback and data from teachers on the importance and

effectiveness of coaching. Share it with administrators!

 Participate in your CES’s Coaches Network. It’s a great way to get support

for your work and to learn from colleagues.

 Ask for help when you need it!

Colleagues have also offered some resources for coaching support during these

unprecedented times. Here are several that are highly recommended:

Jim Knight's blog post:  Instructional Coaching During the Corona Virus Crisis

RtI:  Coaching Teacher Resilience During COVID 19

 Coach Federation:  Covid 19 Resources for Coaches

Several coaches have shared that they are using Elena Aguilar’s books, Onward:

Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators and The Onward Workbook: Daily

Activities to Cultivate Your Emotional Resilience and Thrive, in their practice, with

positive outcomes.

As we continue to navigate these uncharted waters, we invite you to share your

ideas and resources with all of us. Together, we are better! And don’t forget to

reflect daily on our success, and celebrate what’s going well!

Defining Coaching: A Tool to Bust the Unicorn Myth.

 I am occasionally a guest-blogger for TeachBoost.  Check out my latest blog linked below.

"Is that what I think it is? It's an IC!" Joseph Kanke, statewide coaching coordinator in Wisconsin, makes the case for using shared language to better define the role of the coach, help make them more accessible and approachable, and support coach growth at the organization level.

Defining Coaching:  A Tool to Bust the "Unicorn" Myth

Coaching Systems Development; Implementation Drivers

In the previous blog post, the first of this three point series, I began connecting coaching to the Implementation Science Formula for Success.  I presented a conundrum faced by coaches across the state--they are being asked to implement the innovation without a system of support. In today’s post we will consider the Implementation Drivers and how their development is essential to supporting coaching.  

When the innovation of coaching is supported by the system drivers located on the outside of the triangle, the likelihood that coaching will be implemented to fidelity increases.  Drivers are considered, both integrated and compensatory, because they must all work together as a support net (i.e., integrated); however if one is more weakly established, the others will compensate (i.e., compensatory).  

                Let’s begin by considering the competency drivers along the left side of the triangle: Selection, Training, and Coaching  

Selection, Training, and Coaching

Selection of coaching staff is a critical cornerstone, but in my travels around the state of Wisconsin I find that it is given little consideration.  All too often good teachers are put into coaching roles under the assumption that they will also be good coaches.  The thought being that “good teachers make good coaches”.  In one example, an educator showed up to start the New Year as a classroom teacher only to be placed in a coaching role without consultation or training. 

A district that is achieving high levels of success through their coaching program, decided to open available coaching positions for anyone to apply.  This meant that individuals within or outside of the district knew what they were committing to.  Furthermore, the district carefully crafted job description under which the coaches would operate.  This simple, yet essential, document is often missing from many coaching systems.  In the same district, once staff was selected they received initial and ongoing training to support their instructional coaching work.  It is important to collect some type of data to determine training needs.  In my experience much of the training available to coaches circles around building trust and conversations within a coaching cycle.  These skills are absolutely necessary, but what is available to the coach that has already built relationships and is ready to move past coaching light?  The final competency driver is coaching.  Coaches need coaches too!  Coaching can be a very isolated position and it is important to have networking opportunities.  This can be achieved by creating peer coaching programs or hiring an external coach. 

Last summer I visited a district that had a comprehensive learning plan for their coaching team.  They met monthly and spent part of each day engaging in whole group learning before breaking into smaller study groups to cover content they had selected as necessary to their growth.  Coaches were engaged in training and meaningful dialogue with other coaches.  Coaching of coaches is critical in the implementation of the innovation of coaching in order for coaching to obtain socially significant outcomes.

Decision Support Data System, Facilitative Administration, and Systems Intervention

                The second set of drivers to consider is the organizational drivers.  Systems interventions are considered by a district-level team and consider if policies/practices and funding align to the district vision, mission and action plan.  When coaching is new, funding will often be a topic of consideration.  How will the new position be funded? How will the funding be continued?  Facilitative Administration relates to creating a culture where the new innovation will be received.  It is a rare occurrence to have a successful coaching program without the support of leadership.  At the minimum, leadership must be aware of the research and promote the coaching model to staff.  In some of the strongest programs I’ve seen, leaders themselves will engage in a coaching cycle of their own.  The use of data in making decisions is crucial to the ongoing improvement of coaching.  Anecdotal data seems to be the most common data source for coaches with teacher testimonials centered on a coach’s accomplishments.  Another data that may be regarded is student outcome data.  These data sources are both worth considering; however when taken as single sources, they don’t always tell the entire story.  Other data sources may include teacher surveys, coach observations and coaching logs.  Best practice would have the leadership team consider various sources to triangulate the data. 

Technical and Adaptive Leadership  

                The final set of drivers is in regards to leadership.   I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a supportive leader in building systems of support for coaching.  Technical leadership speaks to management. This is the where there is general agreement about what needs to be done and an understanding of how to do it (i.e., compliance).  Unlike with “technical leadership” (i.e., management), adaptive leadership seems to bring with it less certainty.  This work of changing culture, which is a tenant of adaptive leadership, is “messier”; mainly because this is where conflict lives.  We know that human beings struggle with change and the reaction to change can range from emotional to resistant.  Therefore, leaders must have the skills, persistence, and heart to lead through and past this resistance.  While both types of leadership are necessary to support the system, leaders with strong adaptive leadership styles result in the highest implementation with fidelity.

At first glance, establishing systems for coaching may seem overwhelming.  After all, it does require a lot of intentional work.  However, when considered through implementation stages, the work begins to take an evergreen shape, and even seems more manageable along the way.  In the next, and final post of the series, I will work through the steps within the stages of implementation to establish a robust system of coaching. 

Coaching Systems Development; Formula for Success

In my position as a statewide coaching coordinator, I’ve traveled the Driftless region of southwest Wisconsin, the peninsula of Door County and each of the five principal urban centers.  In speaking with coaches across the state, there are unique successes and barriers depending on the individual cultures and contexts of the buildings and districts they serve.  Some smaller districts shared a coach between all buildings, a larger district wondered how to provide coaches with individualized learning plans and another wondered how to connect with other coaches given their somewhat isolated location.  One theme that continued to surface, however was that leadership was key to the equation of successful systems of coaching.  A culture of coaching and growth mindset often hinged on the leadership and their understanding, support and development of systems to sustain coaching as an innovation.  Based on stories of success and barriers, as well as research from the National Implementation Research Network, Wisconsin has developed a worksheet to help guide the process of developing systems to support coaching.

In broad strokes, implementation science as described by NIRN is the study of systems and supporting the execution of research-based best practices.  This three-part blog will examine coaching from three different lenses of implementation science.  The first part will situate coaching within the implementation science formula.  The second considers the drivers of coaching as an innovation and the final post will dive into concrete considerations for each of the four implementation stages.   Coaching is one critical component of implementing an innovation.  In essence, it drives the work.  With so much research pointing toward coaching as a key component to the success of a program, it is no wonder that districts and schools are hiring coaches in droves.  Giving someone the title of coach; however, does not translate into a magical unicorn, but often a this is all a coach will get in terms of direction and guidance.  In fact, my recent interactions with coaches has revealed that many of them don’t even have a job description.  In these scenarios coaches are hungry for professional development, a chance to network, and a wish that they were observed based on coaching skills instead of teaching.  We must remember that coaching is also an innovation; and just like any innovation, it must be mindfully and intentionally operationalized.  

Implementation Science Formula for Success

 

This diagram visually highlights the fact that effective innovations, which are effectively implemented within a context ( In the case of coaching, the enabling context may be considered the learning culture.  Is there a culture of growth mindset that will be open to partnering with a coach to improve student outcomes?) that enables and supports the effective innovations, leads to socially significant outcomes.  In many current systems, we are using coaching to support other effective innovations. One example would be the installation of literacy coaches who are hired by schools and districts to support best literacy practices.  This is a sound practice, but we must first look at coaching as an innovation in and of itself and not a driver.  Subsequently, in seeing coaching as an innovation, we may then work to build a system to support it--only then will coaching yield the socially significant outcomes that it promises.  

This concept is easier for me to understand when we examine the mathematical equation using numbers. In this example let’s use coaching as the effective innovation and assign it a 10, given that it is research-based. If we don’t spend any effort planning how coaching will be implemented, our effective implementation will be a 0.  It doesn’t matter how great the effective innovation is, it will not result in a socially significant outcome (10 x 0 = 0)  Furthermore, continuing with the example, if you take coaching and implementation has been well-planned--we’ll assign a 10--but there is no leadership to support a culture of growth, the enabling context will be a 0.  Again, the results will not get to the promise of the research (10 x 10 x 0 = 0). 

Once the team has a baseline understanding of the formula, especially the importance of effective implementation, they can turn their sites towards building the implementation infrastructure--known as drivers.  Check out the 2nd post to get more details.  

Adapted content and graphic credits to National Implementation Research Network (NIRN).