Coaching Emotions: The Client

Part III

In parts I and II of this series we have explored the history of emotions and how emotions show up for us, as coaches.  In this third, and final post we will consider some strategic moves a coach can make when their client’s emotions enter the space. I shared in the previous posts that I had viewed my own emotions as something that got in the way, something to wrap up and put in a metaphorical attic to be dealt with (or forgotten) at a later date. My approach to emotions in clients was in a similar vein.  They made me uncomfortable.  I knew better than to outright dismiss them--so my go to method was to move directly to action. I focused on the external “thing” that was causing the emotions and crafted my questions towards fixing those “things”.

A blog on the International Coaching Federation by Lyssa Danehy deHart began to challenge my thinking, “Emotional intelligence allows us to be with other peoples’ emotions. If we pass over emotions, we may unwittingly communicate that “emotions are too messy,” or aren’t important, or that we are uncomfortable with what showed up in the space.” Perhaps it is in a coach’s nature to want to partner with their client to fix feelings with solutions, but in doing so you are perpetuating the band aid approach.  What else does that emotion contain and how can we uncover it?   Lean in to curiosity.  

A rule of thumb I always follow in coaching a client to dig into emotions is asking permission.  I do this by first offering my objective observation and followed by the ask.  In my experience it is a rare occasion that a client says they would prefer not to talk about emotions, but if trust isn’t well-established or the timing is off, it is possible.  Here are some examples of phrases I’ve used in the past:

“You said _______ which gives me the impression you are feeling angry.  Could we talk about that?”

“You are a little quiet today and I’m sensing something is going on.  Would it be okay if we talked about that first?”  

Before moving on to some other considerations, it is important to note that this blog is focused on emotions that clutter the potential of a coaching session, but it is also important to illuminate positive emotions and spend some time exploring them as well.  For example,“I notice that you seem really relaxed today.  Let’s talk about that so we can be intentional about capturing what you’ve been up to that is contributing to your way of being.”  

The curious thing I’ve noticed about emotions is the power in naming them.  Naming emotions as adults is oddly akin to doing the same with kids.  You may have some experience in this realm--you notice a child with clenched fists and a scrunched face and notice, “It looks like you are feeling frustrated,”  to which the child responds (with a sense of relief), “Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.”  I’ve noticed a similar process with adults, naming emotions can be a revelation, “Yes, I guess I am feeling sad.”  

Once a client is able to move past naming the emotion, they are better positioned to work through that emotion.  

“What do you think it would take for you to not feel upset?”  This is where you can begin to shift towards action, but moving to action before uncovering the underlying way of being will likely result in little more than an autopilot response. 

There is a lot to uncover in emotions, they have a history that can hold us back as coaches and as clients.  This blog series is an attempt to outline some of my personal revelations as I examined the role of emotions in my coaching. I invite you to do some exploration of your own and notice, with genuine curiosity, how they show up and what they are trying to say.  

Coaching and Emotions; Emotions of a Coach

 Part II

In this three part blog I’m exploring how emotions show up in coaching. I’m attempting to do this using vulnerability and sharing my own journey as I redefine what emotional intelligence means.  In the first blog, I explore the history of patriarchy. I am a firm believer that our way of being is shaped by the systems which have historically dominated our culture.  In this second blog I will further explore how emotions show up for a coach and what to do with them.  

In the past I have viewed emotions as a chink in a coaches armor, an Achilles heel if you will.  There is no denying they will show up, humans are emotional beings, and coaches are human.  The question is how you will react.  If I visualize my past self, I would see a dog drenched in water who quickly shakes it off.  Or to weave back to the metaphor I used in the last post, a duck whose feathers let the water roll right off.  The more I read, and attempt to acknowledge my emotions I see myself more as a frog, with permeable skin.  I let the emotions soak in, acknowledge them, and then intentionally decide what to do with them.  

The lesson I’ve learned so far (and it is ongoing as I am still on this journey) is that the question isn’t so much about IF to acknowledge them, but rather WHEN.  There are essentially three options of WHEN:  In the moment when speaking with the client, at a future session, or individually through reflection/journaling.  I’ll dig into each option below.

In the Moment

Of the three opportunities to leverage emotions, this one may be the most difficult.  If the coaching conversation were akin to a tightrope, choosing to share your own emotions may be the balancing pole the client needs to get to the other side or it could make them topple.  If you are new, like me, to coaching into emotions, I suggest starting with clients where a foundation of trust has already been established and follow two key guidelines.  

• Ask permission to share your emotion.

• Explain why you think it is important to share.

If you feel that the emotion you are experiencing would not add to the coaching cycle, it is okay to refrain from doing so. Once you make that decision, however, it is critical that you remain attentive to the emotion; because it isn’t going away. Emotions don’t only show up in our words, they also show up in our facial expressions and body language.  If you decide not to bring the emotion into the space, slow down the conversation and notice where the emotions are showing up for you physically (more on this in the third blog).  You may even tell the client, “I’m taking a moment to think about where we might go next with the conversation.” Another powerful coaching question Elena Aguilar shared in her last newsletter to prompt reflection and provide yourself with space, “What do you hear yourself saying?” Once you have a moment, take an account of yourself.  Do you feel your face tightening, or restless hands of legs? Take a breath and quiet these responses, for the time being, as they might direct the tone of the conversation as much as your word choice. Also, as you move forward, note the tone of your voice, has it shifted.  If so, slow down and bring it back to center. There will be space to address these emotions after the coaching session.  

In a Future Session

If during a coaching session, you are triggered by something someone has said, it is okay to return to it at a later date.  Physiologically speaking we are wired for fight or flight and sometimes our physical response and emotions can jump into high gear before we even have a chance to acknowledge them.  In situations like these, it may be helpful to tell yourself--I’m going to address this later, for now we move on as best as we are able. 

Once I was coaching a building team and the topic of family involvement in student academics and behavior came up.  The entire team began to slip into a deficit mindset swirl.  One teacher stated, “Our school population has shifted and these parents don’t even care.”  Another added, “I know, I had a parent ask me, ‘What do you want me to do about it.’ this week.” As a coach I felt my face muscles tightening and some anger in my stomach.  I did my best to coach them towards an asset-based conversation, but mostly failed.  Upon deep reflection afterwards, I realized that my emotions were getting in the way of my best coaching self.  I decided to revisit the conversation in our next session.  At the beginning of the session I stated, “Last time we met, there was a conversation about family engagement and I’m wondering if I might share some feelings that were coming up with me?”  After some affirmation from the team I continued, “Some statements were made that made me feel both angry and sad.  I’m hoping I can share them with you and we can dig into them a little more.”  I proceeded to read back direct quotes from my coaching notebook.  Although it was a difficult coaching session, the team did agree that their approach was not solution-orientated and that beliefs needed to shift.  I had leveraged my own emotions to move forward.  

Individually

Sometimes it may not be appropriate to honor your emotions in the moment.  Perhaps interjecting your emotions into a conversation may shift the attention from the client and their work to you.  Perhaps the emotion is new or strong and exposing it could be messy and muck up the coaching relationship.  When in doubt, it may be best to hit pause, give a metaphoric nod to what is showing up and think, “I’ll address you later.”  Following all coaching sessions, but especially those that give rise to emotions, journaling can be a powerful tool.  Starting a coaching journal where you acknowledge what you were feeling emotionally, what the potential triggers were and how it made you physically feel can all contribute to the intentionality of how you will address them in the future.  

This post has explored how coaches can and should recognize their own emotions when coaching.  Hopefully you’ve reflected on some options to let emotions seep in and become a tool you look to rather than shake off.  In the third, and final post of the series, I’ll explore how to acknowledge and leverage the emotions of others when coaching.

Coaching and Emotions; History of Patriarchy

Part I

 “Like water off a duck’s back” has been my coaching mantra for several years. I have often taken pride in what I considered strong emotional intelligence. My personal definition, however, I fear was skewed by a history of patriarchy and a “Midwest Nice” culture.  Previously, I would have defined strong emotional intelligence as the ability to leave my personal baggage at the door and deflect the emotions of those I was coaching as if shoeing away annoying insects. In essence I saw emotions as something controlled by a light switch, not of the dimming sort, but rather one that could be quickly switched to off.  

While I am still in a moment of personal reckoning, I would like to offer a new definition of emotional intelligence, one that does not turn from emotions, but rather creates a space for them to be acknowledged and either released or embraced.  

In Wisconsin’s definition of coaching, The Coaching Competency Practice Profile references emotional intelligence in two different spaces.  First, it calls on coaches themselves to develop emotional intelligence, “Coach regulates and monitors their own emotional state and makes strategic choices about when and how to share their own feelings and thoughts in order to maintain focus on the goals of the client and system” (component 7b). Additionally, a coach should support clients to, “leverage strong emotions to maximize productive outcomes” (component 3a).  

This three part blog will attempt to offer some further insight on how emotional intelligence shows up for a coach and how a coach can navigate and make space for the emotions of others.  Before I could begin to deconstruct my personal perception of what it means to have a strong emotional intelligence, I had to first understand and grapple with the historical foundation of patriarchy upon which it was built; the focus of the first blog.  

The history of patriarchy is one that began approximately ten thousand years ago.  It brings with it a deluge of societal structures that are still omnipresent in our country today.  Part of these structures includes a laundry list of how men and women “should act” and defines what roles are appropriate for men and women to take on.  It would be difficult to reflect on the history of patriarchy in its entirety in several tomes of writing, let alone a single blog.  For the purpose of this reflection I am exploring how patriarchy shows up in our expression of emotions.  

I will begin by exposing what Glickman refers to as the Man Box, “This “real man,” as defined by the Man Box, represents what is supposedly normative and acceptable within the tightly controlled performance of American male masculinity.”  These confines are detailed and play out in advertisements and media on a daily basis.  One key component of the Man Box is the fear to expose insecurities or fears which can translate into tampering emotions.

In Elena Aguilar's chapter on emotions in her new text, Coaching for Equity, she briefly explores the connection of the beliefs many of us hold about emotions as, “untrustworthy, childlike, and frivolous” connecting back to writings in Greek, Roman and Chritian texts.  

Another unique layer for my consideration of expression emotions is the context of my geographic location within the United States.  My own understanding of Midwest Nice is likened to a happy-faced, passive aggressive approach where individuals say (or don’t say) what they hope will lead to shallow pleasantries and then speak their truth under their breath or behind closed doors.  I was unable to find much research on the history of this, but in an article by Andrea Plaid Scandanavian settlers are credited with infusing the Law of Jante throughout the region; “Under the Law of Jante, everyone is on the same level and no one is distinct.  With a focus on the needs of the collective rather than the accomplishments of the individual, the Law of Jante keeps people in check.”  An essay by Paul Christman says that, “If it is to serve as the epitome of America for Americans. . . the place had better not be too distinctly anything.”  He further goes on to suggest that a pressure to be “normal” has repressed emotions.  

As I think about how my emotions show up as a coach and in those I coach, I found it important to begin with this history.  I am by no means an expert on the history of patriarchy, and hope that you do your own exploration and take time to reflect.  But why is history important to this discussion?  I need to be aware of the potential underpinnings of patriarchy and how it shows up for me so that I can begin to check any assumptions I may be making.  Without some knowledge of this history, I may take my beliefs for granted.  As Elena Aguilar notes, “What do we think and feel when someone from [another group] expresses emotions in a way that is outside of what we consider acceptable?”  It’s important to understand why we consider something acceptable in the first place.

As I continue to build upon my new definition of emotional intelligence, it is clear to me that I must be intentional in rejecting the pillars of patriarchy.  One way I can achieve this is by making space to normalize expressing and speaking to emotions.  

If you are interested in exploring coaching and emotions further, consider subscribing to this blog and be on the lookout for the next post in the series which will explore how we, as coaches, acknowledge and leverage our own emotions.  

Navigating Uncharted Waters by Heidi Laabs

Meet our guest blogger Hedi Laabs:  

 Heidi Laabs is a veteran educator, having served as a French teacher, middle school assistant principal, middle school principal, and assistant superintendent for curriculum and instruction in the School District of Waukesha for 34 years. Following her retirement from Waukesha in 2007, she worked at Cardinal Stritch University, served as a REACH mentor for schools in southern Wisconsin, and coached principals around the state. In 2011, she joined the Wisconsin RtI Center as Leadership and Coaching Coordinator.  

Every time we log into email or check social media, we are bombarded with

reminders that all of us in education are in the midst of uncharted waters, in an

ambiguous environment, experiencing things we never would have imagined

when 2020 began. “Am I the Only One Struggling with Online Instruction?” “A

Tale of Hybrid Teaching: It Was the Worst of Times. It Was the Worst of Times.”

“COVID-19 Teacher Toolkit: Resilience Through Self-Care.” “How Ready Are We

to Support Kids Through This Trauma?” “Pay attention to taking care of yourself.

If you’re drained, your students will know.” These are just a few of the email

subject lines and Facebook comments that have popped up for me over the

course of 24 hours. Teachers, students, support staff, administrators, parents and

yes, coaches, are all feeling stress, anxiety, ambiguity and uncertainty.

Just as teaching (and learning) look very different now from how they looked just

7 short months ago, so does coaching look very different. Some consistent

themes have emerged during our CESA Coaches Networking meetings and

conversations with RtI Center Leadership and Coaching participants. One of those

themes has been around the very nature of coaching conversations. While many

coaches still are able to schedule regular coaching conversations with teachers,

they also find that they are doing much more impromptu coaching, “on the fly,”

or in response to crises or breakdowns. Instructional coaching is increasingly

focused on helping teachers to navigate the use of technology for virtual learning,

rather than on curriculum and traditional instructional practices.

Just as teachers find themselves addressing the social and emotional learning

needs or their students more than ever before, coaches are supporting the social

and emotional needs of their clients. For both teachers and coaches, Maslow’s

Hierarchy often takes precedence over Bloom’s Taxonomy! Coaches play an

important role in helping teachers navigate the stress and anxiety of teaching

during COVID-19.

During our Coaches Network meetings, coaches from around the state have

offered tips and suggestions for effective coaching in our current environment.

Among those suggestions are

 Tap into emotional intelligence. Provide a safe place for educators to talk

about feelings, emotions and worries.

 Remember the importance of bebevolence in building trust with clients.

Benevolence doesn’t mean congeniality, it means having someone’s back

in tough times.

 Connect regularly with principals and other administrators to ensure that

all bases are being covered.

 Redefine and articulate the role of the coach in response to current

circumstances. If there isn’t a job description for coaches, now is the time

to get one!

 Consider how coaches can support Educator Effectiveness in light of

current circumstances.

 Collect feedback and data from teachers on the importance and

effectiveness of coaching. Share it with administrators!

 Participate in your CES’s Coaches Network. It’s a great way to get support

for your work and to learn from colleagues.

 Ask for help when you need it!

Colleagues have also offered some resources for coaching support during these

unprecedented times. Here are several that are highly recommended:

Jim Knight's blog post:  Instructional Coaching During the Corona Virus Crisis

RtI:  Coaching Teacher Resilience During COVID 19

 Coach Federation:  Covid 19 Resources for Coaches

Several coaches have shared that they are using Elena Aguilar’s books, Onward:

Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators and The Onward Workbook: Daily

Activities to Cultivate Your Emotional Resilience and Thrive, in their practice, with

positive outcomes.

As we continue to navigate these uncharted waters, we invite you to share your

ideas and resources with all of us. Together, we are better! And don’t forget to

reflect daily on our success, and celebrate what’s going well!

Coaching to the Root of Resistance

On several occasions I’ve asked a group of coaches, “Raise your hand if you have ever worked with a resistant teacher.” Each time, the room is quick flutter of proud jazz hands and at least one participant has also inadvertently shouted out the educator’s name like it was just sitting on the tip of their tongue waiting for permission to be vanquished. Resistant educators, it seems, are ever-present in the coaching field and the likely cause of many nervous eye-twitches. It isn’t that educators are resistant by nature, it’s just that they are resistant to change. And since coaches are change agents, they will likely always be surrounded by some sense of resistance.

 Perhaps the easiest stance to take when working with these educators would be, “I can’t coach those that don’t want to be coached,” but if you take the time to get to the root of resistance, you may uncover a willing partner.

 Getting to the Root of Resistance 

 Resistance is most often the manifestation of another issue, and by taking time to investigate you may be able to uncover what is underneath. Does the educator have a previous experience with coaching? Does the educator feel like they are being made to comply with an initiative? Does the educator feel safe to voice their opinions and concerns to leadership? To a coach? Has the school culture and community shifted as a result of change? These questions are only a few that may lead you to a place where an educator can name their resistance and move onward.

 One framework for maintaining the investigative lens while coaching that I have found helpful in the past is Elena Aguilar’s “Mind the Gap”. Essentially it states that while resistance often reads as someone purposefully (will) defying someone or something, it is rarely the case. Most often there is another gap that is preventing the individual from being on board.

 Underneath that resistance there may just be a need to strengthen a technical skill or build upon pedagogical knowledge; both of which are easily addressed in a coaching partnership. If it is a technical skill, such as classroom management, it can be addressed within a coaching cycle-- goal-setting, modeling and observation-feedback. If it is a pedagogical gap, the partnership may look for opportunities to learn via professional development, text studies or peer observations.

 Gaps in capacity and emotional intelligence may also impede full buy-in and will require a more in-depth, holistic approach. An educator’s unwillingness to try a new strategy may actually be a fear of failure or perhaps something is happening in their life outside of education which is inhibiting them from being able to fully participate at that moment. The point is, that is is rarely a matter of will and time is needed to uncover the gap.

 Michael Fullan has often written about change and he offers some other layers of resistance to his investigative approach. You can read about all twelve categories on his two-pager: Reluctance to Change. Many of his categories overlap with Aguilar’s “Mind the Gap,” but there were several other opportunities to get to the core of resistance that I have found helpful in my work. One layer that Fullan reminds us of is that some people are happy with the way things are, and so have no want or need for change. For this educator, it is necessary to paint a picture of an alternative future. I have found the use of data to be extremely powerful with this group of educators. If the data is showing that student outcomes are not where they need to be, and there is a possibility of a future where student outcomes improve, most educators will quickly leave their resistance behind.

 The Big Four 

 No matter which investigative framework or stance you choose to employ when coaching around resistance, there are four big reminders I find helpful to hold onto in every interaction:

•  Check Your Emotional Intelligence 
• If You Insist They Will Resist 
• Don’t Become a Resource Provider
•  Don’t Take it Personal 

Given their positionality to see the whole picture, leaders and educators depend on them to have high emotional intelligence. And coaches demand that of themselves as well. In fact, many coaching experts have indicated that a high emotional intelligence is the key to strong leadership. That doesn’t mean, though, that a resistant teacher won’t get under your skin--coaches are humans too! That is why it is so important to do a purposeful mental check of your mental intelligence when you know you will come into contact with someone who has not been open to a partnership. Even if coaches don’t normally share our feelings through facial expressions, sometimes they unknowingly come across if we are not mindful. I was reminded of this a few years ago when I was part of a collaborative team. I had struggled to have meaningful collaboration with one of the members in the past. On this day, this member was presenting something that I disagreed with, but we had committed to hearing everyone’s voice. Following the meeting, while walking out with another colleague, they said, “Well I know how you feel about today’s presentation.” I made a move to contest that I hadn’t said anything, but she simply made a circle motion over her face. I knew I would need to check my emotional intelligence at future meetings.

 If you insist, they will resist. If my four year old has a mantra, this is it. Of course, isn’t really everyone’s mantra. Human beings don’t like being made to do something. If they understand and agree with the purpose or they’ve had some agency in the decision, however then it is more likely that they will actively engage. Sometimes the struggle as an instructional coach is that you are often called upon, or even hired, to help implement a new curriculum or strategy. There are a few coaching moves that can bring everyone into the fold. We often talk about how important the teacher-coach relationship is, but building a relationship with administrators is also important. Once you are in a position to have open conversations with administration, coach them on the value of including teachers in the process of selecting curriculum and deciding on school-wide goals. Become experts of the curriculum--almost all curriculum (unless it is scripted) leaves opportunities for teachers to make it their own-focus in on these opportunities so teachers can take ownership before moving into the intricate workings.

 Educators appreciate “things”. With the resources of time and money often restricted, an easy in for a coach with a resistant client is providing them with resources. I remember working with a teacher that had been teaching for a long time and had previously been an administrator. I got the feeling that she thought I was too young to possibly offer her anything. I made a point of popping in her room to check in every week and she finally asked me if I had any good poetry lessons. I was so excited I spent hours in the library pulling age appropriate and engaging poetry for her 8th grade class to do a poetry dive. I even laminated a class-set of sentence stem discussion cards as a parting gift. I started modeling the lesson and the students were really engaged and I thought, “Finally.” Except where was the teacher? The kids continued their work and I continued wondering, Where is the teacher? She came back at the end of class, and smiled as her students stacked up the books on the back table. After the students left she asked, “So what do you want to teach next week?”

 The final reminder, I feel, is the most important--Don’t take it personal! Besides the often stressful work life, educators have lives outside of the classroom to attend to as well. A teacher’s resistance may feel personal, but that is likely not the case. I remember working with this amazing biology (9th grade) team to incorporate engaging strategies into their instruction. The team was extremely open to observations and feedback, except for one teacher. This one teacher would see me coming and abruptly pull her door shut (mind you the bell hadn’t even rang yet and students were left queuing outside her door). Fortunately, this was a lab classroom with a door in the back of the room so I would slip into the way back, feigning ignorance and smiling broadly as she rolled her eyes. I tried to kill her with kindness. I tried being directive. I offered to model. I even offered to make copies (which I almost never do). I couldn’t wrap my head around how she could spend so much energy fighting a process that everyone else was embracing. It wasn’t until the year was almost over that I learned maybe she was spending her energy resisting me because it was something she had control over; she had been diagnosed with a rare and untreatable illness.  I always remember her when working with resistance teachers and remind myself to get over myself-it’s probably bigger than me. 

Don’t give up on the resistors. Investigate a little. Dig around and ask why? Then ask why again--hopefully once you get to the root of the problem and find a partnership. We are all capable, creative and complete.