Coaching Emotions: The Client

Part III

In parts I and II of this series we have explored the history of emotions and how emotions show up for us, as coaches.  In this third, and final post we will consider some strategic moves a coach can make when their client’s emotions enter the space. I shared in the previous posts that I had viewed my own emotions as something that got in the way, something to wrap up and put in a metaphorical attic to be dealt with (or forgotten) at a later date. My approach to emotions in clients was in a similar vein.  They made me uncomfortable.  I knew better than to outright dismiss them--so my go to method was to move directly to action. I focused on the external “thing” that was causing the emotions and crafted my questions towards fixing those “things”.

A blog on the International Coaching Federation by Lyssa Danehy deHart began to challenge my thinking, “Emotional intelligence allows us to be with other peoples’ emotions. If we pass over emotions, we may unwittingly communicate that “emotions are too messy,” or aren’t important, or that we are uncomfortable with what showed up in the space.” Perhaps it is in a coach’s nature to want to partner with their client to fix feelings with solutions, but in doing so you are perpetuating the band aid approach.  What else does that emotion contain and how can we uncover it?   Lean in to curiosity.  

A rule of thumb I always follow in coaching a client to dig into emotions is asking permission.  I do this by first offering my objective observation and followed by the ask.  In my experience it is a rare occasion that a client says they would prefer not to talk about emotions, but if trust isn’t well-established or the timing is off, it is possible.  Here are some examples of phrases I’ve used in the past:

“You said _______ which gives me the impression you are feeling angry.  Could we talk about that?”

“You are a little quiet today and I’m sensing something is going on.  Would it be okay if we talked about that first?”  

Before moving on to some other considerations, it is important to note that this blog is focused on emotions that clutter the potential of a coaching session, but it is also important to illuminate positive emotions and spend some time exploring them as well.  For example,“I notice that you seem really relaxed today.  Let’s talk about that so we can be intentional about capturing what you’ve been up to that is contributing to your way of being.”  

The curious thing I’ve noticed about emotions is the power in naming them.  Naming emotions as adults is oddly akin to doing the same with kids.  You may have some experience in this realm--you notice a child with clenched fists and a scrunched face and notice, “It looks like you are feeling frustrated,”  to which the child responds (with a sense of relief), “Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.”  I’ve noticed a similar process with adults, naming emotions can be a revelation, “Yes, I guess I am feeling sad.”  

Once a client is able to move past naming the emotion, they are better positioned to work through that emotion.  

“What do you think it would take for you to not feel upset?”  This is where you can begin to shift towards action, but moving to action before uncovering the underlying way of being will likely result in little more than an autopilot response. 

There is a lot to uncover in emotions, they have a history that can hold us back as coaches and as clients.  This blog series is an attempt to outline some of my personal revelations as I examined the role of emotions in my coaching. I invite you to do some exploration of your own and notice, with genuine curiosity, how they show up and what they are trying to say.  

Coaching and Emotions; Emotions of a Coach

 Part II

In this three part blog I’m exploring how emotions show up in coaching. I’m attempting to do this using vulnerability and sharing my own journey as I redefine what emotional intelligence means.  In the first blog, I explore the history of patriarchy. I am a firm believer that our way of being is shaped by the systems which have historically dominated our culture.  In this second blog I will further explore how emotions show up for a coach and what to do with them.  

In the past I have viewed emotions as a chink in a coaches armor, an Achilles heel if you will.  There is no denying they will show up, humans are emotional beings, and coaches are human.  The question is how you will react.  If I visualize my past self, I would see a dog drenched in water who quickly shakes it off.  Or to weave back to the metaphor I used in the last post, a duck whose feathers let the water roll right off.  The more I read, and attempt to acknowledge my emotions I see myself more as a frog, with permeable skin.  I let the emotions soak in, acknowledge them, and then intentionally decide what to do with them.  

The lesson I’ve learned so far (and it is ongoing as I am still on this journey) is that the question isn’t so much about IF to acknowledge them, but rather WHEN.  There are essentially three options of WHEN:  In the moment when speaking with the client, at a future session, or individually through reflection/journaling.  I’ll dig into each option below.

In the Moment

Of the three opportunities to leverage emotions, this one may be the most difficult.  If the coaching conversation were akin to a tightrope, choosing to share your own emotions may be the balancing pole the client needs to get to the other side or it could make them topple.  If you are new, like me, to coaching into emotions, I suggest starting with clients where a foundation of trust has already been established and follow two key guidelines.  

• Ask permission to share your emotion.

• Explain why you think it is important to share.

If you feel that the emotion you are experiencing would not add to the coaching cycle, it is okay to refrain from doing so. Once you make that decision, however, it is critical that you remain attentive to the emotion; because it isn’t going away. Emotions don’t only show up in our words, they also show up in our facial expressions and body language.  If you decide not to bring the emotion into the space, slow down the conversation and notice where the emotions are showing up for you physically (more on this in the third blog).  You may even tell the client, “I’m taking a moment to think about where we might go next with the conversation.” Another powerful coaching question Elena Aguilar shared in her last newsletter to prompt reflection and provide yourself with space, “What do you hear yourself saying?” Once you have a moment, take an account of yourself.  Do you feel your face tightening, or restless hands of legs? Take a breath and quiet these responses, for the time being, as they might direct the tone of the conversation as much as your word choice. Also, as you move forward, note the tone of your voice, has it shifted.  If so, slow down and bring it back to center. There will be space to address these emotions after the coaching session.  

In a Future Session

If during a coaching session, you are triggered by something someone has said, it is okay to return to it at a later date.  Physiologically speaking we are wired for fight or flight and sometimes our physical response and emotions can jump into high gear before we even have a chance to acknowledge them.  In situations like these, it may be helpful to tell yourself--I’m going to address this later, for now we move on as best as we are able. 

Once I was coaching a building team and the topic of family involvement in student academics and behavior came up.  The entire team began to slip into a deficit mindset swirl.  One teacher stated, “Our school population has shifted and these parents don’t even care.”  Another added, “I know, I had a parent ask me, ‘What do you want me to do about it.’ this week.” As a coach I felt my face muscles tightening and some anger in my stomach.  I did my best to coach them towards an asset-based conversation, but mostly failed.  Upon deep reflection afterwards, I realized that my emotions were getting in the way of my best coaching self.  I decided to revisit the conversation in our next session.  At the beginning of the session I stated, “Last time we met, there was a conversation about family engagement and I’m wondering if I might share some feelings that were coming up with me?”  After some affirmation from the team I continued, “Some statements were made that made me feel both angry and sad.  I’m hoping I can share them with you and we can dig into them a little more.”  I proceeded to read back direct quotes from my coaching notebook.  Although it was a difficult coaching session, the team did agree that their approach was not solution-orientated and that beliefs needed to shift.  I had leveraged my own emotions to move forward.  

Individually

Sometimes it may not be appropriate to honor your emotions in the moment.  Perhaps interjecting your emotions into a conversation may shift the attention from the client and their work to you.  Perhaps the emotion is new or strong and exposing it could be messy and muck up the coaching relationship.  When in doubt, it may be best to hit pause, give a metaphoric nod to what is showing up and think, “I’ll address you later.”  Following all coaching sessions, but especially those that give rise to emotions, journaling can be a powerful tool.  Starting a coaching journal where you acknowledge what you were feeling emotionally, what the potential triggers were and how it made you physically feel can all contribute to the intentionality of how you will address them in the future.  

This post has explored how coaches can and should recognize their own emotions when coaching.  Hopefully you’ve reflected on some options to let emotions seep in and become a tool you look to rather than shake off.  In the third, and final post of the series, I’ll explore how to acknowledge and leverage the emotions of others when coaching.

Coaching and Emotions; History of Patriarchy

Part I

 “Like water off a duck’s back” has been my coaching mantra for several years. I have often taken pride in what I considered strong emotional intelligence. My personal definition, however, I fear was skewed by a history of patriarchy and a “Midwest Nice” culture.  Previously, I would have defined strong emotional intelligence as the ability to leave my personal baggage at the door and deflect the emotions of those I was coaching as if shoeing away annoying insects. In essence I saw emotions as something controlled by a light switch, not of the dimming sort, but rather one that could be quickly switched to off.  

While I am still in a moment of personal reckoning, I would like to offer a new definition of emotional intelligence, one that does not turn from emotions, but rather creates a space for them to be acknowledged and either released or embraced.  

In Wisconsin’s definition of coaching, The Coaching Competency Practice Profile references emotional intelligence in two different spaces.  First, it calls on coaches themselves to develop emotional intelligence, “Coach regulates and monitors their own emotional state and makes strategic choices about when and how to share their own feelings and thoughts in order to maintain focus on the goals of the client and system” (component 7b). Additionally, a coach should support clients to, “leverage strong emotions to maximize productive outcomes” (component 3a).  

This three part blog will attempt to offer some further insight on how emotional intelligence shows up for a coach and how a coach can navigate and make space for the emotions of others.  Before I could begin to deconstruct my personal perception of what it means to have a strong emotional intelligence, I had to first understand and grapple with the historical foundation of patriarchy upon which it was built; the focus of the first blog.  

The history of patriarchy is one that began approximately ten thousand years ago.  It brings with it a deluge of societal structures that are still omnipresent in our country today.  Part of these structures includes a laundry list of how men and women “should act” and defines what roles are appropriate for men and women to take on.  It would be difficult to reflect on the history of patriarchy in its entirety in several tomes of writing, let alone a single blog.  For the purpose of this reflection I am exploring how patriarchy shows up in our expression of emotions.  

I will begin by exposing what Glickman refers to as the Man Box, “This “real man,” as defined by the Man Box, represents what is supposedly normative and acceptable within the tightly controlled performance of American male masculinity.”  These confines are detailed and play out in advertisements and media on a daily basis.  One key component of the Man Box is the fear to expose insecurities or fears which can translate into tampering emotions.

In Elena Aguilar's chapter on emotions in her new text, Coaching for Equity, she briefly explores the connection of the beliefs many of us hold about emotions as, “untrustworthy, childlike, and frivolous” connecting back to writings in Greek, Roman and Chritian texts.  

Another unique layer for my consideration of expression emotions is the context of my geographic location within the United States.  My own understanding of Midwest Nice is likened to a happy-faced, passive aggressive approach where individuals say (or don’t say) what they hope will lead to shallow pleasantries and then speak their truth under their breath or behind closed doors.  I was unable to find much research on the history of this, but in an article by Andrea Plaid Scandanavian settlers are credited with infusing the Law of Jante throughout the region; “Under the Law of Jante, everyone is on the same level and no one is distinct.  With a focus on the needs of the collective rather than the accomplishments of the individual, the Law of Jante keeps people in check.”  An essay by Paul Christman says that, “If it is to serve as the epitome of America for Americans. . . the place had better not be too distinctly anything.”  He further goes on to suggest that a pressure to be “normal” has repressed emotions.  

As I think about how my emotions show up as a coach and in those I coach, I found it important to begin with this history.  I am by no means an expert on the history of patriarchy, and hope that you do your own exploration and take time to reflect.  But why is history important to this discussion?  I need to be aware of the potential underpinnings of patriarchy and how it shows up for me so that I can begin to check any assumptions I may be making.  Without some knowledge of this history, I may take my beliefs for granted.  As Elena Aguilar notes, “What do we think and feel when someone from [another group] expresses emotions in a way that is outside of what we consider acceptable?”  It’s important to understand why we consider something acceptable in the first place.

As I continue to build upon my new definition of emotional intelligence, it is clear to me that I must be intentional in rejecting the pillars of patriarchy.  One way I can achieve this is by making space to normalize expressing and speaking to emotions.  

If you are interested in exploring coaching and emotions further, consider subscribing to this blog and be on the lookout for the next post in the series which will explore how we, as coaches, acknowledge and leverage our own emotions.  

Defining Coaching: A Tool to Bust the Unicorn Myth.

 I am occasionally a guest-blogger for TeachBoost.  Check out my latest blog linked below.

"Is that what I think it is? It's an IC!" Joseph Kanke, statewide coaching coordinator in Wisconsin, makes the case for using shared language to better define the role of the coach, help make them more accessible and approachable, and support coach growth at the organization level.

Defining Coaching:  A Tool to Bust the "Unicorn" Myth

Coaching Systems Development; Implementation Drivers

In the previous blog post, the first of this three point series, I began connecting coaching to the Implementation Science Formula for Success.  I presented a conundrum faced by coaches across the state--they are being asked to implement the innovation without a system of support. In today’s post we will consider the Implementation Drivers and how their development is essential to supporting coaching.  

When the innovation of coaching is supported by the system drivers located on the outside of the triangle, the likelihood that coaching will be implemented to fidelity increases.  Drivers are considered, both integrated and compensatory, because they must all work together as a support net (i.e., integrated); however if one is more weakly established, the others will compensate (i.e., compensatory).  

                Let’s begin by considering the competency drivers along the left side of the triangle: Selection, Training, and Coaching  

Selection, Training, and Coaching

Selection of coaching staff is a critical cornerstone, but in my travels around the state of Wisconsin I find that it is given little consideration.  All too often good teachers are put into coaching roles under the assumption that they will also be good coaches.  The thought being that “good teachers make good coaches”.  In one example, an educator showed up to start the New Year as a classroom teacher only to be placed in a coaching role without consultation or training. 

A district that is achieving high levels of success through their coaching program, decided to open available coaching positions for anyone to apply.  This meant that individuals within or outside of the district knew what they were committing to.  Furthermore, the district carefully crafted job description under which the coaches would operate.  This simple, yet essential, document is often missing from many coaching systems.  In the same district, once staff was selected they received initial and ongoing training to support their instructional coaching work.  It is important to collect some type of data to determine training needs.  In my experience much of the training available to coaches circles around building trust and conversations within a coaching cycle.  These skills are absolutely necessary, but what is available to the coach that has already built relationships and is ready to move past coaching light?  The final competency driver is coaching.  Coaches need coaches too!  Coaching can be a very isolated position and it is important to have networking opportunities.  This can be achieved by creating peer coaching programs or hiring an external coach. 

Last summer I visited a district that had a comprehensive learning plan for their coaching team.  They met monthly and spent part of each day engaging in whole group learning before breaking into smaller study groups to cover content they had selected as necessary to their growth.  Coaches were engaged in training and meaningful dialogue with other coaches.  Coaching of coaches is critical in the implementation of the innovation of coaching in order for coaching to obtain socially significant outcomes.

Decision Support Data System, Facilitative Administration, and Systems Intervention

                The second set of drivers to consider is the organizational drivers.  Systems interventions are considered by a district-level team and consider if policies/practices and funding align to the district vision, mission and action plan.  When coaching is new, funding will often be a topic of consideration.  How will the new position be funded? How will the funding be continued?  Facilitative Administration relates to creating a culture where the new innovation will be received.  It is a rare occurrence to have a successful coaching program without the support of leadership.  At the minimum, leadership must be aware of the research and promote the coaching model to staff.  In some of the strongest programs I’ve seen, leaders themselves will engage in a coaching cycle of their own.  The use of data in making decisions is crucial to the ongoing improvement of coaching.  Anecdotal data seems to be the most common data source for coaches with teacher testimonials centered on a coach’s accomplishments.  Another data that may be regarded is student outcome data.  These data sources are both worth considering; however when taken as single sources, they don’t always tell the entire story.  Other data sources may include teacher surveys, coach observations and coaching logs.  Best practice would have the leadership team consider various sources to triangulate the data. 

Technical and Adaptive Leadership  

                The final set of drivers is in regards to leadership.   I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a supportive leader in building systems of support for coaching.  Technical leadership speaks to management. This is the where there is general agreement about what needs to be done and an understanding of how to do it (i.e., compliance).  Unlike with “technical leadership” (i.e., management), adaptive leadership seems to bring with it less certainty.  This work of changing culture, which is a tenant of adaptive leadership, is “messier”; mainly because this is where conflict lives.  We know that human beings struggle with change and the reaction to change can range from emotional to resistant.  Therefore, leaders must have the skills, persistence, and heart to lead through and past this resistance.  While both types of leadership are necessary to support the system, leaders with strong adaptive leadership styles result in the highest implementation with fidelity.

At first glance, establishing systems for coaching may seem overwhelming.  After all, it does require a lot of intentional work.  However, when considered through implementation stages, the work begins to take an evergreen shape, and even seems more manageable along the way.  In the next, and final post of the series, I will work through the steps within the stages of implementation to establish a robust system of coaching. 

Coaching with an Equity Lens part 2

In the first blog post on Coaching With a Lens for Equity, I dug into why coaches are well-positioned to engage in equity work.  I also discussed Joellen Killion’s coaching heavy and coaching light and the importance of shifting mindsets when it comes to equity work.  If you haven’t read part one of the blog, I suggest you do so here.  I also discussed that entering into dialogue around equity and race is not always easy since we, as a people, have mostly learned to avoid these conversations.  In this post we will look at Wisconsin’s Model to Inform Culturally Responsive Practices as a starting place for entering into this work. 

The model to inform states, “Wisconsin’s model to inform is about the journey.  Becoming culturally responsive is a lifelong journey, not a final destination. This journey involves intentionally choosing to stay engaged in introspection, embracing alternative truths, and ensuring that every student is successful.”  Given that the journey is lifelong, it makes sense that it is visually depicted as a circle with culturally responsive practices at the center and the process (will, skill & fill) around the outside. 

The Model to inform defines will, skill and fill as follows:  (Will) The desire to lead and a commitment to achieving equitable outcomes for all students, (Fill) gaining cultural knowledge about ourselves and others, and (Skill) applying knowledge and leading the change, skillfully putting beliefs and learning into action.  The eight inner pie pieces describe actions that one can take in their journey to become more culturally responsive.  Each piece of piece of pie is connected to a process.  If an educator is unsure of where to begin, they should start with self-awareness, or developing their will.  Fill engages educators in furthering their learning about others and skill moves to action. 

Before we can bring our coaching lens to working with others, we must also consider our own coaching journey.  It is important to note that this work is continuous.  You can’t move from will to skill and consider yourself master of equity.  Throughout your life you may find yourself at different places in the work depending on the educators, students, families and communities you work with.  At any given time you should consider will, fill and skill.  For example, Wisconsin has a large American Indian population.  In my educational experience I hadn’t previously worked with this community, so I’ve been spending time in the fill zone of the journey by engaging in online book study groups and engaging in dialogued.  On the flip side, a recent student engagement survey for the state provided data that the LGBTQ+ students are twice as likely as their peers to say they feel like they don’t belong at school.  This is an area I feel prepared to lean in and work with schools to develop curriculum and inclusive environments to make these students feel more welcomed-- so I may spend more time in the skill zone.  

Once you’ve considered your own will, fill and skill journey, consider how, as a coach you may support others in theirs.  The following chart, created in collaboration with several Wisconsin coaching stakeholders, provides some concrete actions you might take in supporting individuals and teams no matter what process of the model they find themselves in.  

Coaching with an Equity Lens	Possible Actions
A coach continually strengthens self-awareness of how identity and culture affect who they are and how they interact with learners and families	Engage in reading, viewing, and listening about unconscious bias, colorblindness, and micromessages.
A coach supports staff in continually strengthening self-awareness	Facilitate the use of protocols which provide for safe environments to engage in courageous conversations. Ask questions that prompt a client to examine their own culture and how it shapes their actions.  Protocols for equity work may be found in The Power of Protocols: An Educators’ Guide to Better Practice.
A coach supports individual staff members’ and teams’ focus on equity by actively considering whether mismatches in systems, structures, policies, practices, values, and beliefs inhibit learner success and contribute to inequitable outcomes for underserved students.	Facilitate teams in the disaggregation of data, engage in root cause analysis and calculate risk ratios. Lead courageous conversations about disproportionality.
Coaches support staff in knowing and understanding their students and families, and in using evidence-based practices, curriculum and policies that respect the identities and cultures of learners and families served by schools.	Learn about the unique strengths and blend of identities that families bring to the school setting.  Ask how staff are incorporating these strengths and identities into school practices, policies and curriculum.
Coaches, in partnerships with principals and other leaders, create positive school cultures, characterized by “an unwavering belief that all students can and will learn” (Du Four).  In a positive culture, adults accept responsibility for learner success.	Collaboratively examine the assumptions and implicit biases that create barriers for historically marginalized students to fully access the learning environment.
Coaches and principals work together to lead, model, and advocate for equity.	Collaborate with leadership in the investigation of systems and problem solve for lasting change.  Provide resources and support for ongoing professional learning focused on equity, such as a book study focused on anti-bias education and culturally responsive pedagogy.

Special thanks to Barb Novak, Heidi Laabs, Kathy Myles, Wendy Savaske and Ananda Mirilli for their contributions. 

Permission to Coach Heavy

Please check out my newest blog post on the dangers of spending too long in the coaching light stance.  You can access the blog below where it was featured as a guest blog. 

http://blog.teachboost.com/permission-to-coach-heavy

Coaching with an Equity Lens

Special thanks to Chrissy Thuli and Barb Novak--their work influenced this blog post. 

 

All equity work is a personal journey, it requires you to be open and acknowledge your own truth.  I personally believe that words matter all the time, but in equity work they truly matter.  Recently a colleague challenged me on the use of the phrase, “coaching for equity”.  She argued, and I agree, that coaching for equity could be misunderstood.  Coaching for equity might mean that someone else has that job--they coach for equity so I don’t have to--or that it fits into a certain day like --I coach for equity on B days.  Rather, we must bring a lens of equity to every coaching interaction--it is the job of all coaches at all times.

Coaching with an equity lens is interesting because there is currently a ton on information out there on coaching and a ton on equity, but little that brings the two together.  In this two-part post I will share Wisconsin’s framework:  A Model to Inform as a map to help push into this essential dialogue.  Before we get to the framework, however,  post 1 will focus on a common definition of equity and a understanding of what it means to bring it to your work.  In Wisconsin we believe, Equity means that every student has access to the educational resources and rigor they need at the right moment in their education across race, gender, ethnicity, language, disability, sexual orientation, family background and/or family income (CCSSO, 2017).

For many, deciphering the difference between equity and equality is a good place to start.  If we start from a place of equality we are essentially saying that the world is equal, but it is not.  Some students have access to tutors, honors classes and better-funded schools while others have larger ratios of adult to student support and less-skilled teachers.  To further muddy the water--the world has bias and systemic racism.  Predominantly marginalized students must face microaggressions and implicit bias that the better-supported, predominantly white students do not.  Equity, then, requires purposeful use of resources, removal of barriers and intentional support.   (Informed by the Center for Urban Education)

Equity is not something extra; something on top of the core work.  Equity is embedded within all aspects of our work; equity is the core.  Working towards equity is not a checklist or a strategy.  Working towards equity is a way of being and knowing that leads to developing systems that respectfully engage with learners and families who have been historically underserved.  Working towards equity is not an afterthought; something to consider when the main work is done.  Working towards equity is the place you come from; a mindset, the way you do work/make decisions.   

Elena Aguilar’s quote, “Coaches are in a unique position to influence teachers and administrators to interrupt inequitable practices, to engage them in safe, reflective, transformational conversations that shift beliefs and ways of being,” demonstrates how coaches are well-positioned to engage in equity work.  We know that creating equitable systems is an ongoing process and since a coach’s role is job-embedded, they can provide unbroken support for this process.  Equity work often requires root cause analysis and coaching supports individuals and teams to understand their role in creating and reforming the system, planning action, implementing change, studying results, and refining action.   Educational equity requires looking at data to make decisions and employing evidence-based instructional practices.   Coaches can use questioning, paraphrasing, and summarizing to continually focus conversation and collaboration on equity.

And of course, educators must continually engage in professional learning and practice.  Coaches can support teams in developing culturally responsive ways of collaborating to meet student needs.  Although it is clear that coaches play a key role in this work, the question I most often hear is, “how do I get started?”

This is a common question when you are shifting into what Joellen Killion calls coaching heavy (more on this in upcoming September blog post).  Basically coaching heavy requires a shift away from focusing on teacher actions to student outcomes and systems change.  This is heavy work.  This is necessary work.   Wisconsin’s Model to Inform, a roadmap for individual equity work, provides a starting place for coaches ready to dive into the work.  Look for post two soon on the Model to Inform and how you can use it to engage in dialogue.

As coaches for educational equity we can, “mediate a person’s thinking toward values, beliefs, and behaviors that enable effective cross-cultural interactions to insure an equitable environment for learners, their parents and all members of the community” --D. Lindsay, Culturally Proficient Coaching

Coaching and Conflict

When it comes to coaching, nearly every elephant in the room is birthed from conflict, but given that conflict is on a spectrum and something we both need and avoid--sometimes it is really confusing as to whether we should call the elephant out or chase it away.  

Perhaps the most familiar conflict is unhealthy conflict.  It is part of human relationships and we’ve all experienced it at one time or another in our personal lives.  Since conflict is nearly unavoidable, how you approach the conflict is key. I personally come from a conflict-avoidant household and this arena of coaching continues to make me uncomfortable, but over time I have come to realize that avoiding conflict will build a wall between a team and progress towards their goals.  

Elena Aguilar offers three suggestions for “Managing Conflict in Leadership Teams” (the unhealthy kind).

First she suggests we name the conflict.  Since conflict makes many people uncomfortable, it may seem easier to avoid and make attempts to move on, but by calling out the conflict, you can talk through the root cause and potentially eliminate it.  Perhaps, for example, the conflict resides in resources. I remember working with an ELA team that was experiencing conflict. Initially I thought it had to do with personalities. Eventually we were able to call out that some team members felt that the department chair wasn’t dispersing funds for classroom libraries in an equitable manner.  In reality, the two teachers that appeared to be receiving more books had individually applied for and won a small grant to supplement their library. They shared the application with other team members and the conflict quickly subsided.

The next strategy Aguilar offers is assessing the conflict and making a decision to address it in the moment or later.  This is especially important if you are working with teams and the conflict appears to be between two people. Is it possible to move the meeting forward and circle back to the two team members at a later date?  

Keeping norms at the center of every meeting can be a valuable corner stone in managing conflict.  Reminding a team members about a specific norm feels less threatening and personal than calling out an individual.  

While unhealthy conflict can act as a divisive wrench in a team’s plan, productive conflict can propel them towards achieving truly transformational work.  

The article, “Building a Culture that Nurtures Productive Conflict”  focuses on creating an environment for productive conflict to thrive.  By setting up a team with expectations and boundaries for conflict to live, and even be encouraged, teams will feel safe to learn and make mistakes.  

The article starts with a quote:  “If you have learned how to disagree without being disagreeable, then you have discovered the secret of getting along-whether it be in business, family relations, or life itself.”  

The three key ingredients mentioned are:

• a shared purpose
• norms
• protocols for when the norms are broken

Protocols are for when the norms are often overlooked, but then the norms may just become words on paper.  The team must commit to live them. It doesn’t need to be anything creative. It could be as simple as rapping on the table as a reminder or stating, “don’t forget norm seven.”

Besides being intentional about the environment, a team must also be sure that there is clear communication, positive attitude and valued contributions.  

Transparency goes hand-in-hand with communication.  Team members need to know what is really happening so they can make informed contributions to the conversation; not assumptions.

The author ends this article with the quote, ““Team leaders who step back to avoid conflict

are not living up to their obligation in allowing a diversity of thought and channeling it into productivity.”

Both of these resources provided helpful strategies in creating and maintaining an environment that thwarts unhealthy conflict in favor of productive.  While this is a great foundation, all teams will eventually face moments of unproductive conflict.

Sometimes the best way to circumvent unproductive conflict is to continually redirect negative conversations.  Negativity can act like a seed of conflict and when left unattended too long, it will likely rear its weedy head.  Let’s look at a few moves you can make as a coach when a conversation turns negative. These are adapted from an article by Kathleen Kelly Reardon in the Harvard Business Review.  She calls them the “R-List”

The first one takes a little practice, but I find myself using this one constantly; especially when working with teams.  

Rephrase-  When someone makes a negative statement, rephrase what they are saying in a less negative way.  

If someone states, “We can’t spend time looking at student writing when we have so many essays to grade.”  

A coach may respond, “I’m hearing that you see the importance of examining student writing as a PLC when there is time to do so.”  

If a principal says, “We wouldn’t have so many behavior problems if parents were more involved in their kids’ lives.”

You may rephrase, “I’m hearing that you may want to look at providing more family engagement opportunities.”

The next move, request is all about my secret weapon question.  In the role of a coach you should always assume positive intent.  That said, when a negative statement is made without much thought, staying fixed in that positive intent can prove difficult.  Coaches are still human! Whenever I feel a crack forming in my glass ceiling of positive intent I throw out one of the following two questions, “Would you clarify what you meant for me?”  or simply, “Tell me more.” Often just asking someone to pause and think about what they had just said (and how they said it) is enough to get them to rethink what they intended to say.

No matter how high-functioning a team is, they will likely eventually encounter something that will challenge their dynamics.  One challenge in education, is that teams are often very fluid, with team members moving grade-levels or schools. If allowed, change in membership of even one person can derail a historically successful team.  Team make-up is not the only challenge, however. Sometimes teams are charged with a new challenge that requires them to approach each other differently. Whatever the case, this may be an opportunity for a coach to revisit a past success.  When team membership shifts, the focus often becomes about people instead of the work.  Taking time to remember a past success shifts the focus and brings new members into the fold--they will hear about the great work accomplished in the past and want to experience some of that same success.  I had been working with a biology PLC for two years and they had developed into a model team for the entire school. They had a shared vision and leadership and held students at the center of every conversation.  They didn’t shy away from data and were willing to have difficult conversations. About a year later the PLC lead approached me and asked if I could sit in a few meetings. I was happy to reconnect with the team, but was in shock about the tone of the meeting.  The district had purchased a new curriculum and no one on the team approved of the selection. Essentially they were stalled out in their emotions. I asked if we could shift the agenda for the day and said, “This is not the first time this team has had to address non-negotiables they didn’t agree with.  Can we think back to some of those.” The group recalled a few and I jotted them down on the board. Then I asked them to isolate one which was particularly trying to wrestle with. We talked through how they were able to incorporate the ask in a meaningful, even favorable way. At that point the group felt better-equipped to turn back to the task at hand.  

Personal concerns can muck up the process so when summarizing a difficult conversation, you might steer clear of negativity by reorganizing the group’s priorities.  There is an easy phrase to use here to bring the focus back to the goal.  “Everyone seems to be in agreement with the WHAT, we are just struggling with the HOW.”  At this point, if possible, I prefer to table the discussion for a future meeting. I will ask each individual to make a list prior to the next meeting of individual hows and team hows.  Ideally, I will circle back to as many team members on an individually basis either face-to-face or virtually to speak through their individual hows so the next team conversation can be open and clear.

Alright, we’ve taken a look at four coaching moves you can use to refocus the attitude and hopefully avoid unproductive conflict.  Below you will find two scenarios for you to think through how you might initiate a shift in the team’s thinking.

Scenario 1:

You’ve been working with a leadership team at a district for several weeks. Their data shows large and persistent achievement gaps in reading and math between their English proficient students and their students who are English learners. They have been charged with coming up with a plan in order to address this.

As they begin a discussion, one of the leaders says, “Of course our English learners are behind. The only time most of them speak English is at school; and even then, we are really lenient in allowing them to speak in their home language with their peers. I understand we are trying to be culturally responsive, but I don’t see how the gaps are ever going to close if we don’t start requiring them to use their English more.”

What coaching move might you try and what phrase would you use to initiate a shift in attitude and hopefully avoid unproductive conflict? (Rephrase, request, revisit, reorganize?)

Scenario 2:

You are working with a leadership team at a district as they engage in root cause analysis. One of the critical problems they have identified is that they have disproportionality in office discipline referrals between their white students and their Black and African American students. Specifically, for students in grades Kindergarten-4^th grade, the Black and African American students in their district are 2.5 times more likely to receive an office discipline referral than the white students in their district.  

As the leadership team hypothesizes potential root causes for this disproportionality, one of the leaders states, “It makes me sad that it’s always the students of color who are misbehaving...”

What coaching move might you try and what phrase would you use to initiate a shift in attitude and hopefully avoid unproductive conflict? (Rephrase, request, revisit, reorganize?)

I wanted to leave you today with one last expert on conflict: Patrick Lencioni’s work and the conflict continuum.   Notice in the image that Lencioni illustrates that the optimal amount of conflict is directly on the border between productive and unproductive--this is why it is so difficult to coach around.  It is like trying to find a needle (or elephant) in a haystack.