Part III
In parts I and II of this series we have explored the history of emotions and how emotions show up for us, as coaches. In this third, and final post we will consider some strategic moves a coach can make when their client’s emotions enter the space. I shared in the previous posts that I had viewed my own emotions as something that got in the way, something to wrap up and put in a metaphorical attic to be dealt with (or forgotten) at a later date. My approach to emotions in clients was in a similar vein. They made me uncomfortable. I knew better than to outright dismiss them--so my go to method was to move directly to action. I focused on the external “thing” that was causing the emotions and crafted my questions towards fixing those “things”.
A blog on the International Coaching Federation by Lyssa Danehy deHart began to challenge my thinking, “Emotional intelligence allows us to be with other peoples’ emotions. If we pass over emotions, we may unwittingly communicate that “emotions are too messy,” or aren’t important, or that we are uncomfortable with what showed up in the space.” Perhaps it is in a coach’s nature to want to partner with their client to fix feelings with solutions, but in doing so you are perpetuating the band aid approach. What else does that emotion contain and how can we uncover it? Lean in to curiosity.
A rule of thumb I always follow in coaching a client to dig into emotions is asking permission. I do this by first offering my objective observation and followed by the ask. In my experience it is a rare occasion that a client says they would prefer not to talk about emotions, but if trust isn’t well-established or the timing is off, it is possible. Here are some examples of phrases I’ve used in the past:
“You said _______ which gives me the impression you are feeling angry. Could we talk about that?”
“You are a little quiet today and I’m sensing something is going on. Would it be okay if we talked about that first?”
Before moving on to some other considerations, it is important to note that this blog is focused on emotions that clutter the potential of a coaching session, but it is also important to illuminate positive emotions and spend some time exploring them as well. For example,“I notice that you seem really relaxed today. Let’s talk about that so we can be intentional about capturing what you’ve been up to that is contributing to your way of being.”
The curious thing I’ve noticed about emotions is the power in naming them. Naming emotions as adults is oddly akin to doing the same with kids. You may have some experience in this realm--you notice a child with clenched fists and a scrunched face and notice, “It looks like you are feeling frustrated,” to which the child responds (with a sense of relief), “Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.” I’ve noticed a similar process with adults, naming emotions can be a revelation, “Yes, I guess I am feeling sad.”
Once a client is able to move past naming the emotion, they are better positioned to work through that emotion.
“What do you think it would take for you to not feel upset?” This is where you can begin to shift towards action, but moving to action before uncovering the underlying way of being will likely result in little more than an autopilot response.
There is a lot to uncover in emotions, they have a history that can hold us back as coaches and as clients. This blog series is an attempt to outline some of my personal revelations as I examined the role of emotions in my coaching. I invite you to do some exploration of your own and notice, with genuine curiosity, how they show up and what they are trying to say.
