Coaching Emotions: The Client

Part III

In parts I and II of this series we have explored the history of emotions and how emotions show up for us, as coaches.  In this third, and final post we will consider some strategic moves a coach can make when their client’s emotions enter the space. I shared in the previous posts that I had viewed my own emotions as something that got in the way, something to wrap up and put in a metaphorical attic to be dealt with (or forgotten) at a later date. My approach to emotions in clients was in a similar vein.  They made me uncomfortable.  I knew better than to outright dismiss them--so my go to method was to move directly to action. I focused on the external “thing” that was causing the emotions and crafted my questions towards fixing those “things”.

A blog on the International Coaching Federation by Lyssa Danehy deHart began to challenge my thinking, “Emotional intelligence allows us to be with other peoples’ emotions. If we pass over emotions, we may unwittingly communicate that “emotions are too messy,” or aren’t important, or that we are uncomfortable with what showed up in the space.” Perhaps it is in a coach’s nature to want to partner with their client to fix feelings with solutions, but in doing so you are perpetuating the band aid approach.  What else does that emotion contain and how can we uncover it?   Lean in to curiosity.  

A rule of thumb I always follow in coaching a client to dig into emotions is asking permission.  I do this by first offering my objective observation and followed by the ask.  In my experience it is a rare occasion that a client says they would prefer not to talk about emotions, but if trust isn’t well-established or the timing is off, it is possible.  Here are some examples of phrases I’ve used in the past:

“You said _______ which gives me the impression you are feeling angry.  Could we talk about that?”

“You are a little quiet today and I’m sensing something is going on.  Would it be okay if we talked about that first?”  

Before moving on to some other considerations, it is important to note that this blog is focused on emotions that clutter the potential of a coaching session, but it is also important to illuminate positive emotions and spend some time exploring them as well.  For example,“I notice that you seem really relaxed today.  Let’s talk about that so we can be intentional about capturing what you’ve been up to that is contributing to your way of being.”  

The curious thing I’ve noticed about emotions is the power in naming them.  Naming emotions as adults is oddly akin to doing the same with kids.  You may have some experience in this realm--you notice a child with clenched fists and a scrunched face and notice, “It looks like you are feeling frustrated,”  to which the child responds (with a sense of relief), “Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.”  I’ve noticed a similar process with adults, naming emotions can be a revelation, “Yes, I guess I am feeling sad.”  

Once a client is able to move past naming the emotion, they are better positioned to work through that emotion.  

“What do you think it would take for you to not feel upset?”  This is where you can begin to shift towards action, but moving to action before uncovering the underlying way of being will likely result in little more than an autopilot response. 

There is a lot to uncover in emotions, they have a history that can hold us back as coaches and as clients.  This blog series is an attempt to outline some of my personal revelations as I examined the role of emotions in my coaching. I invite you to do some exploration of your own and notice, with genuine curiosity, how they show up and what they are trying to say.  

Coaching and Emotions; Emotions of a Coach

 Part II

In this three part blog I’m exploring how emotions show up in coaching. I’m attempting to do this using vulnerability and sharing my own journey as I redefine what emotional intelligence means.  In the first blog, I explore the history of patriarchy. I am a firm believer that our way of being is shaped by the systems which have historically dominated our culture.  In this second blog I will further explore how emotions show up for a coach and what to do with them.  

In the past I have viewed emotions as a chink in a coaches armor, an Achilles heel if you will.  There is no denying they will show up, humans are emotional beings, and coaches are human.  The question is how you will react.  If I visualize my past self, I would see a dog drenched in water who quickly shakes it off.  Or to weave back to the metaphor I used in the last post, a duck whose feathers let the water roll right off.  The more I read, and attempt to acknowledge my emotions I see myself more as a frog, with permeable skin.  I let the emotions soak in, acknowledge them, and then intentionally decide what to do with them.  

The lesson I’ve learned so far (and it is ongoing as I am still on this journey) is that the question isn’t so much about IF to acknowledge them, but rather WHEN.  There are essentially three options of WHEN:  In the moment when speaking with the client, at a future session, or individually through reflection/journaling.  I’ll dig into each option below.

In the Moment

Of the three opportunities to leverage emotions, this one may be the most difficult.  If the coaching conversation were akin to a tightrope, choosing to share your own emotions may be the balancing pole the client needs to get to the other side or it could make them topple.  If you are new, like me, to coaching into emotions, I suggest starting with clients where a foundation of trust has already been established and follow two key guidelines.  

• Ask permission to share your emotion.

• Explain why you think it is important to share.

If you feel that the emotion you are experiencing would not add to the coaching cycle, it is okay to refrain from doing so. Once you make that decision, however, it is critical that you remain attentive to the emotion; because it isn’t going away. Emotions don’t only show up in our words, they also show up in our facial expressions and body language.  If you decide not to bring the emotion into the space, slow down the conversation and notice where the emotions are showing up for you physically (more on this in the third blog).  You may even tell the client, “I’m taking a moment to think about where we might go next with the conversation.” Another powerful coaching question Elena Aguilar shared in her last newsletter to prompt reflection and provide yourself with space, “What do you hear yourself saying?” Once you have a moment, take an account of yourself.  Do you feel your face tightening, or restless hands of legs? Take a breath and quiet these responses, for the time being, as they might direct the tone of the conversation as much as your word choice. Also, as you move forward, note the tone of your voice, has it shifted.  If so, slow down and bring it back to center. There will be space to address these emotions after the coaching session.  

In a Future Session

If during a coaching session, you are triggered by something someone has said, it is okay to return to it at a later date.  Physiologically speaking we are wired for fight or flight and sometimes our physical response and emotions can jump into high gear before we even have a chance to acknowledge them.  In situations like these, it may be helpful to tell yourself--I’m going to address this later, for now we move on as best as we are able. 

Once I was coaching a building team and the topic of family involvement in student academics and behavior came up.  The entire team began to slip into a deficit mindset swirl.  One teacher stated, “Our school population has shifted and these parents don’t even care.”  Another added, “I know, I had a parent ask me, ‘What do you want me to do about it.’ this week.” As a coach I felt my face muscles tightening and some anger in my stomach.  I did my best to coach them towards an asset-based conversation, but mostly failed.  Upon deep reflection afterwards, I realized that my emotions were getting in the way of my best coaching self.  I decided to revisit the conversation in our next session.  At the beginning of the session I stated, “Last time we met, there was a conversation about family engagement and I’m wondering if I might share some feelings that were coming up with me?”  After some affirmation from the team I continued, “Some statements were made that made me feel both angry and sad.  I’m hoping I can share them with you and we can dig into them a little more.”  I proceeded to read back direct quotes from my coaching notebook.  Although it was a difficult coaching session, the team did agree that their approach was not solution-orientated and that beliefs needed to shift.  I had leveraged my own emotions to move forward.  

Individually

Sometimes it may not be appropriate to honor your emotions in the moment.  Perhaps interjecting your emotions into a conversation may shift the attention from the client and their work to you.  Perhaps the emotion is new or strong and exposing it could be messy and muck up the coaching relationship.  When in doubt, it may be best to hit pause, give a metaphoric nod to what is showing up and think, “I’ll address you later.”  Following all coaching sessions, but especially those that give rise to emotions, journaling can be a powerful tool.  Starting a coaching journal where you acknowledge what you were feeling emotionally, what the potential triggers were and how it made you physically feel can all contribute to the intentionality of how you will address them in the future.  

This post has explored how coaches can and should recognize their own emotions when coaching.  Hopefully you’ve reflected on some options to let emotions seep in and become a tool you look to rather than shake off.  In the third, and final post of the series, I’ll explore how to acknowledge and leverage the emotions of others when coaching.

Navigating Uncharted Waters by Heidi Laabs

Meet our guest blogger Hedi Laabs:  

 Heidi Laabs is a veteran educator, having served as a French teacher, middle school assistant principal, middle school principal, and assistant superintendent for curriculum and instruction in the School District of Waukesha for 34 years. Following her retirement from Waukesha in 2007, she worked at Cardinal Stritch University, served as a REACH mentor for schools in southern Wisconsin, and coached principals around the state. In 2011, she joined the Wisconsin RtI Center as Leadership and Coaching Coordinator.  

Every time we log into email or check social media, we are bombarded with

reminders that all of us in education are in the midst of uncharted waters, in an

ambiguous environment, experiencing things we never would have imagined

when 2020 began. “Am I the Only One Struggling with Online Instruction?” “A

Tale of Hybrid Teaching: It Was the Worst of Times. It Was the Worst of Times.”

“COVID-19 Teacher Toolkit: Resilience Through Self-Care.” “How Ready Are We

to Support Kids Through This Trauma?” “Pay attention to taking care of yourself.

If you’re drained, your students will know.” These are just a few of the email

subject lines and Facebook comments that have popped up for me over the

course of 24 hours. Teachers, students, support staff, administrators, parents and

yes, coaches, are all feeling stress, anxiety, ambiguity and uncertainty.

Just as teaching (and learning) look very different now from how they looked just

7 short months ago, so does coaching look very different. Some consistent

themes have emerged during our CESA Coaches Networking meetings and

conversations with RtI Center Leadership and Coaching participants. One of those

themes has been around the very nature of coaching conversations. While many

coaches still are able to schedule regular coaching conversations with teachers,

they also find that they are doing much more impromptu coaching, “on the fly,”

or in response to crises or breakdowns. Instructional coaching is increasingly

focused on helping teachers to navigate the use of technology for virtual learning,

rather than on curriculum and traditional instructional practices.

Just as teachers find themselves addressing the social and emotional learning

needs or their students more than ever before, coaches are supporting the social

and emotional needs of their clients. For both teachers and coaches, Maslow’s

Hierarchy often takes precedence over Bloom’s Taxonomy! Coaches play an

important role in helping teachers navigate the stress and anxiety of teaching

during COVID-19.

During our Coaches Network meetings, coaches from around the state have

offered tips and suggestions for effective coaching in our current environment.

Among those suggestions are

 Tap into emotional intelligence. Provide a safe place for educators to talk

about feelings, emotions and worries.

 Remember the importance of bebevolence in building trust with clients.

Benevolence doesn’t mean congeniality, it means having someone’s back

in tough times.

 Connect regularly with principals and other administrators to ensure that

all bases are being covered.

 Redefine and articulate the role of the coach in response to current

circumstances. If there isn’t a job description for coaches, now is the time

to get one!

 Consider how coaches can support Educator Effectiveness in light of

current circumstances.

 Collect feedback and data from teachers on the importance and

effectiveness of coaching. Share it with administrators!

 Participate in your CES’s Coaches Network. It’s a great way to get support

for your work and to learn from colleagues.

 Ask for help when you need it!

Colleagues have also offered some resources for coaching support during these

unprecedented times. Here are several that are highly recommended:

Jim Knight's blog post:  Instructional Coaching During the Corona Virus Crisis

RtI:  Coaching Teacher Resilience During COVID 19

 Coach Federation:  Covid 19 Resources for Coaches

Several coaches have shared that they are using Elena Aguilar’s books, Onward:

Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators and The Onward Workbook: Daily

Activities to Cultivate Your Emotional Resilience and Thrive, in their practice, with

positive outcomes.

As we continue to navigate these uncharted waters, we invite you to share your

ideas and resources with all of us. Together, we are better! And don’t forget to

reflect daily on our success, and celebrate what’s going well!